KENTISH TALES, 

IN VERSE, 
AND OTHER HUMOROUS POEMS. 



KENTISH TALES, 

IN VERSE, 

AND OTHER HUMOROUS POEMS. 



NOTES, 

HISTORICAL, WITTICAL, CRITICAL, 
WAG, AND PRAGMATICAL, 

fyc. §c. tyc. 



BY THE LATE 



EDWARD NAIRNE, Esq. 

Of Sandwich, in Kent. 



SECOND EDITION. 



SANDGATE: 
PUBLISHED BY MESSRS. PURDAY AND SON; 

AND SOLD BY 

J. OFFOR, NEWGATE STREET. LONDON. 



0/ 



-f r 



51C\ 



r 0£ 



Printed by J. F. Hove, St. John's Square, 






ADVERTISEMENT 

TO THE PRESENT EDITION. 



N 5 

These Humorous Tales and Poems 
were first published by subscription about 
the year 1790, and have been for many 
years past totally out of print— although 
had the witty and facetious Author lived, 
there can be little doubt but that a second 
edition with his own corrections (and pos- 
sibly with many additions), would long 
ere now have made its appearance, and 
most probably with superior advantages. 
Be that as it may, his little book is now 
rescued from oblivion, and presented to 
the public in a new and neat edition, and 
also at a moderate price. 

Those who may happen to possess the 
first edition of these Poems, will find a 
few trifling alterations in the phraseology, 
which the Editor hopes will be generally 



VI 



approved. He has been as sparing as pos* 
sible in making such alterations, and has 
confined himself mostly to an exchange of 
words — scarcely allowing himself in any 
instance to alter ideas — -choosing rather 
that the humour of the Sandwich Bard 
should be preserved in its native dress, 
than by any mixture of his own ideas to 
produce a motley garment. 

In some of the Tales, and more parti- 
cularly in that of Dame Hobday, the 
Kentish dialect as spoken by the wholly 
uneducated part of the peasantry, is intro- 
duced ; but, thanks to the various socie- 
ties for the education of the poor, we may 
now hope, that the curious though barba- 
rous lingo, which is so humorously and 
faithfully portrayed in some of the fol- 
lowing pages, will soon cease to form any 
part of the vocabulary even of the poorest 
classes in British society. 

THE EDITOR. 

Sandgate, Jan. 12, 1824. 



THE 

AUTHOR'S ADDRESS 



TO 



THE SUBSCRIBERS. 



LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 

It was originally my intention (in com- 
pliance with the mandates of that tyrant 
Custom), to have written a preface to the 
following sheets ; but reflecting that a pre- 
face to a work of this kind has seldom any 
other design, or can indeed answer any 
other purpose than to convey an apology 
for obtruding it on the public, and for its 
appearance in a garb of coarse materials, 
indifferently worked up, I have relin- 
quished the intention, and will not antici- 



VI11 

pate any sorrow that may arise to you for 
an unthrifty expenditure of money. — 

If I have entertained an idea of there 
being the least degree of merit in the per- 
formance, and it shall appear not to con- 
tain any, I may truly say — 

My hope was like a negro's child, born fair, 
But chang'd, alas ! as soon to black despair ! 

THE DEDICATION, 

which may as well be inserted here as in a 
separate page, is 

TO MY VERY NUMEROUS AND RESPECTABLE 

SUBSCRIBERS. 

If, peradventure, any thing may be found 
in the work to please, I shall be happy for 
their sakes; but the faults, which I fear 
are numerous, 1 must beg leave to consign 
to those, who have abilities and inclination 
to correct them. — 

It has been complained of, that the long 
and ingenious eking out appendages of 



IX 

title-page, preface, dedication, introduc- 
tion, head-piece, tail-piece, &c. and finis 
(the happy issue out of these afflictions) 
frequently compose a large part (excuse 
the expression) of a small work, and have 
been, not unaptly, compared to the deco- 
raments of the table when the joint is but 
small. I hope I shall not incur a similar 
imputation, by being thought too prolix 
and tedious— indeed I once had it in con- 
templation to make the following addition 
to my title-page, viz. with notes, historical, 
wittical, critical, wag, and pragmatical, 
&c. &c. &c. — but as it might have been 
deemed ostentatious, I have omitted it. 

To conclude, if comparisons were ad- 
missible, I should liken some of the above 
enumerated articles of preface, &c. to an 
author's personal application for a favour 
— The preface is, the rap at the door, to 
notify his approach — The dedication, the 
complaisant and respectful bow — The 
work, the author himself—and the finis 



X 

Or END, the SUBSCRIPTION MONEY. To 

which end, the present work (like many 
others of the kind) was composed, and, 
when accomplished, the favour will be 
gratefully remembered by 

The Subscribers' 

most obedient and obliged 
humble Servant, 
THE AUTHOR, 



CONTENTS. 



PAG* 

Prologue ............ 9 

Epilogue 11 

The Jews Partners, and the Stolen Pork, a Tale 14 

The Man and his Three Wives, a Tale . . 18 

The Benighted Traveller, a Tale ..... £1 

The Drummer and the Turkey, a Tale ... £2 

The Inference, a College Tale £6 

The Gipsies, and the Stolen Hog, a Tale . . 36 

The Beggars, a Tale 46 

Dame Hobday, a Tale .56 

The Bartering Jew, and the Lace Merchant, a 

Tale 64 

Irregular Address to the Moon ..... 67 

Travelling 82 

Dutch Academical Bear-dancing .... 9^ 



HUMOROUS POEMS. 



The following prologue to the tragedy of The Gamester, and epilogue 
to the farce of The Mayor of Garrat (performed at Sandwich, some 
time since, to a very numerous and brilliant audience, for the be- 
nefit of a Charity School), were written at the request of the gen- 
tlemen who obligingly took parts on that laudable occasion ; and 
were the first productions of the author's muse. 



PROLOGUE. 

Once more, advent'rous, on these boards we tread, 
The noble cause of Charity to plead ; 
Pleas'd to experience what we've humbly planned, 
So kindly foster'd by your lib'ral hand ; 
But, whilst we try your minutes to beguile, 
We deprecate your frowns and court your smile; 
Then oh ! forbear our weak attempts to blame, 
Who act from purest motives, not for Fame. — 
Constant companion of the meek-ey'd maid, 
Divine Philanthropy shall lend her aid, 
With gentle care to lead the friendless youth 
Through the blest paths of innocence and truth, 
To rectitude shall kindly point the way, 
Illum'd by Education's genial ray — 
b 



10 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Virtue's reward be thine, the conscious meed 
Of doing well, and Heav'n approve the deed.— 

To-night our author's tragic scenes disclose 
A gamester's fate, fraught with ten thousand woes, 
By play induc'd, whose fascinating pow'r, 
Draw T s victims to destruction every hour ; 
Scarcely a trace of honour leaves behind, 
But warps to infamy the gen'rous mind ; 
Destroys the innocent intent of cards and dice, 
And what's for recreation made, perverts to vice. 

Well has our author in his lines pourtray'd 
The deep distress by baneful gaming made, 
Reprov'd the growing vices of the age, 
And lash'd the gamester in his moral page; 
Success attend his plan, and ere too late 
To snatch one victim from impending fate. — 

Yet, though the sordid contest we disclaim, 
We'll, by permission, try a nobler game, 
To win the stakes our cards we'll careful range, 
And, though success attend, we'll make exchange \ 
We freely lose our spades and clubs to boot, 
Anxious to prosper only in one suit ; 
E'en from a bulse of diamonds gladly part, 
Amply repaid if we can win the Heart. 



EPILOGUE; 11 

EPILOGUE. 

Ladies ! I'm come to set you all agog, 
I've found a bantling, call'd an epilogue! 
A meagre, shapeless thing, all skin and bone, 
Which, without aid, can never walk alone : 
Your tend'rest care its infant state demands; — 
Trembling I leave it to your bounteous hands. 

He who would learn these subjects well to handle. 
Must, at the fire of knowledge, light his candle ; 
If it burns dull, and glimmering withal, 
And flashes not, then we it rush-light call { 
But if its scintillation's bright and quick^ 
A genius that, and then we call it — wick. 

Permit me now a word or two to speak, 
In character of rush-light Jerry Sneak ; 
Then with friend Jerry's contrast take a turn, 
And try if master Wick will brighter burn. 

" Rais'd to a high and monstrous station, 
" And squier mayor choos'd, I'll make noration ; 
" But softly ! — If my gentle vife should come, 
u Her presence, somehow, always strikes me dumb ! 
" Veil then — I'll tell you vot, and how't must be, 
" Chris Heeltap — he shall speechify for me !— 
" A clever fellow that — can read the news, 
" And speeches cobble, as he cobbles shoes ! 
" If such-like things you want, and Crispin ax, 
u He'll knock you off a stave as clean as wax, 



12 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

" Sharp as his boring awl! — speaks well, by golls, 
iC And by his art can pierce your wery souls ! 
" Heyday! all off!— then I'll to Mug's begone, 
" Sir Jacob's there, and Bruin, ten to one — 
" My vife can't bide him, ne'er will be at peace, 
" She says, till Vick'ry has him for his grease ! — 
" Lint's gone, I guess, to listen out for groans, 
" And Simon Snuffle to his land of bones.* 

" Is snap-cat Goosey gone, do you suppose, 
" Home, without pay, to mend his tatter'd clothes f 
u No — he's too deep for that! — he's gone to sell 
" Some cabbag'd remnants, from his wooden hell ! 
si Praps Mrs. Sneak with Sturgeon sneak'd away, 
" I wish I know'd — Fd to the major say: — 
' When to your arms shall fall a mistress Sneaky 
i By finery caught and compliments made meek, 
' Be careful when the time of meeting suits, 
' To stop the key-hole, 'fore you draw your boots.'" 

Now with friend Jerry having done to-night, 
We'll speak for Wick, but first let's snuff his light. 

" From mimic scenes we'll call your contemplation, 
a To scenes which soon shall agitate the nation ;f 
u First comes a parchment herald,% like a bird,§ 
u Long may its joyful style be — George the Third; 



* Church-yard. t The then approaching general election. 

X The writ. 
§ On account of the expedition with which the writ is sometimes 
conveyed. 



EPILOGUE. 13 

u Then come the champion candidates for votes, 
" And hint intended favours, thick as oats, 
u With gilded train light up our hemisphere, 
" And blaze like comets once in seven year ; 
cc But when the glaring revolution's done, 
u And a fresh lease extracted from their sun, 
" Our high-rais'd expectation quickly fails, 
" They take a comet's leave, and turn their tails ! 
u And who their trackless passage can explore, 
" Lost in oblivion's void, and seen no more ! 

" Not so our little stars,* their course shall run 
u In paths eccentric, and desert their sun ; 
u Reflecting all the radiance in their pow'r^ 
" They'll bless their patrons till their latest hour/' 

* Charity children. 



B 2 



14 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

THE JEWS PARTNERS 

AND 

THE STOLEN PORK. 

A TALE. 

Some twenty years ago — 'tis true, 
Isaacs, a poor pedestrian Jew, 
By wishful inclination prest, 
A ribspare stole, already drest ; 
He had a partner in his trade, 
Call*d Moses — him an offer made 
To be concerned — and let him in 
For half the pork and half the sin ; 
Soon to his scheme poor smouchy won ? 
Not choosing to be d — mn'd alone. 
From Deal to Dover their abode, 
Onward they trudge — a pleasant road, 
And as the day began to w r aste, 
Eager the unknown cates to taste, 
They halted at a little wood, 
Near where a rustic alehouse* stood ° 7 
That dinner o'er, they soon might join 
To wash it down with barley wine* 
And, lest a traveller, passing by, 
The meat forbidden should espy, 
And interrupt their dainty meal, 
Isaacs proposed to call it veal ; 

* Riagwould. 



THE JEWS PARTNERS. 15 

But Moses seemed more inclin'd 

" Mutton" to call't " mid de tick roind f 

Their box a table made for both, 

A snuffy muckenger a cloth ; 

For filth with Jews is deem'd no vice, 

They oft-times are more wise than nice. 

Eager they cut and slash away, 
Not e'en for benediction stay ; 
A heinous crime, I shrewdly guess, 
With them unhallow'd pork to bless ; 
Pleas'd with the daints they lift their eyes, 
And eat with wonder and surprise. 

Here, gentle reader, double down, 
While (presto) I look back to town, 
And fancy I can plainly hear 
Newton,* the owner, rave and swear ; 
Not philosophic Newton he, 
From stoic apathy quite free, 
Would swear in style, and never sham, 
Nor cheat Old Nic — by dem for damn ; 
His passion broils, he cannot brook it, 
But bl — sts the pork and him who took it. 
Ill-fated swine ! who when alive 
With broomsticks beat to make ye thrive, f 

* The loser of the pork, who kept a public house at Deal. 

t Said to be a practice among countrymen, when a hog is hide- 
bound, that by loosening his skin, he may have the more room to 
grow. 



16 HUMOROUS TOEMS. 

And though ye squeal and make a rout, 
They'll thrust a ringle through your snout. 
Though e'en from Satan ye are free, 
Nor driven headlong to the sea, 
Maugre your soul-enchanting note, 
The bloody butcher cuts your throat; 
Your ev'ry part men eat for food, 
And puddings make of your heart's blood; 
When dead you'r d — mn'd as well as living. 
And gorg'd by Jews, without thanksgiving ; 
This in the sequel will appear, 
And this we presently shall hear, 
How short men's happiness on earth, 
Doom'd to misfortunes from their birth ! 

E'en now the tiffling winds arise, 
And low'ring clouds deform the skies; 
The thunders roll, the lightnings glare, 
And shake their Hebrew souls with fear ! 

" Smoses in sackcloth we must bow, 
" For Cot Almoitish' angry now, 
" No such vile stuff again must eat, 
" But trow away de shinful meat." 

The winds soon chase the storm away, 
And Phoebus darts a brighter ray, 
And as they view th' unclouded scene,. 
Their ruffled minds became serene; 
Nay almost into courage grow, 
Nor will they yet the pork forego ; 



THE JEWS PARTNERS. 17 

On settled weather they presume, 
And instantly the meal resume. 

" O ! dat I ne'er de pork had sheen, 
" : Or ratder had a Christian been, 
" For, mister Smoses, don't it eat 
" Moch better dan our cosher* meat ?" 
(How shall I Jewish jargon coin?) 
" By Cot Almoitish vashly foin." 

But, as it were, by magic spell, 
And conjur'd up again pell-mell, 
The lightnings flash, and — dire mishap ! 
Succeeds a louder thunder clap ! 

In vain a contest with the skies, 
They soon give up the luckless prize ; 
But Isaacs, who had been the thief, 
Indignant — call'd to his relief 
These words, to give his passion vent, 
Which soon the blast to heaven sent — 

" I see de meat we mosht forsake ; 
" But had I taught dat Heaven wou'd make 
" Soch dreadful noise and piece of work, 
" Apout a leetel pit of pork, 
" And Cot Almoitish had begrutcht it 
" Smoses, pe tam't if I'd have toucht it 

* Purified. 



18 HUMOROUS POEMS. 



THE 
MAN AND HIS THREE WIVES. 

A TALE. 

It happen'd once, 
It happen'd twice, 
And three times did it happen, 
In life'* short span 
A certain man 
In wedlock was yntrappen ! 
The first he wed, 
To church he led, 
And, as the story's told, 
This beauty bright 
Betroth'd downright 
For love, and not for gold. 
How quick, alas ! 
Runs mortals' glass ; 
How fleeting beauty's pride ! 
For one short year 
Stopp'd her career, 
She sicken'd, and — she died ! 
Now Prudence, sly, 
Says, mind your eye, 
Don't let your passions rove J 



THE MAN AND HIS THREE WIVES. 19 

Marry, I say, 
But do it, pray, 
For money, not for love. 
Not now so nice, 
He takes advice, 
And weds a wealthy dame; 
She had, beside 
Her taw 7 ny hide, 
One eye, and she was lame, 
But what cares he, 
From earth set free, 
By kind obliging Death; 
Seiz'd with a cough, 
She soon hopp'd off, 
And died for want of breath ! 
What's to be done, 
Her glass thus run? 
Why, marry once again; 
Another wife 
May have a life, 
Longer than t'other twain. 
And so she had, 
For him, egad, 
A terrible disaster! 

For she would fight, 
Morn, noon, and night, 
Petermin'd to be master. 



20 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Long time this wife 
The dubious strife 

Maintain'd — at last she fell, 
The battle lost, 
Gave up the ghost, 

And went, 'tis thought, to Hell ! 
Now I, says he, 
May happy be, 

Whilst here on earth I tarry, 
Till my life's end 
Enjoy my friend, 

But hang me if I marry. 
I've done what's right, 
Fought a good fight, 

Have tam'd an imp uncivil; 
And conquer'd too 
(A thing quite new) 

The world, the Jlesh, and devil. 



THE BENIGHTED TRAVELLER. 21 

THE 
BENIGHTED TRAVELLER. 

A TALE. 

Bewildered in a winter's night, 
No friendly star affording light, 

A traveller his road had lost; 
And almost lost his wits, through fear, 
That he might ride, without great care, 

Into a chalkpit or against a post. 
At length he spied a glimm'ring ray, 
And thither, trembling, bent his way; 
A queer, curmudgeonly old put 
Inhabited the lonely hut. 
Who, having scrap'd together pelf, 
Wisely protected it himself— 
" Hilloa! hilloa!" the trav'ller cries, 
" I've lost my road ! do, good sir, rise 
" And, kind, direct me in the way;" 
' Who art? whose servant art? I say'— 
" No man's, sir — my own master I." 
Old slyboots drily made reply— 
c If, as thou say'st, thou'rt thine own master •, 
* May'st slowly ride, or travel faster, 
' And go (extinguishing the light) 
c Which way you please' — And so he might, 
c 



22 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

THE 

DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. 

A TALE. 

When cut-throat War had spread alarms, 
And Britain's sons were called to arms, 
Invading forces to repel, 
And fight, like Trojan boys, pell-mell, 
A hopeful regiment— sans doute, 
Receiv'd their orders, call'd a route ; 
To march with speed — and, bold as Mars 
Set off, to spoil Monsieur's droll farce. 

Now at the drum and fife's shrill call, 
The troops assembled, one and all, 

With glitt'ring arms, on glory bent, 
And, left feet foremost,, off they went ! 

With march fatigu'd, and heat oppressed, 
A halt was call'd, to give them rest, 
And shelter too — for mid-day's blaze 
Had burnt their brains out with its rays! 

Now Discipline's coercive hand 
Relax'd — and now ihe band, 
No more to rank and file confin'd, 
Upon the verdant grass reclin'd — 



'•} 



THE DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. 28 

A stream, meand'ring through the vale, 
Supply'd these folks with Adam's ale, 
And bread and cheese supply'd their wallet, 
And mother Earth — Chadnezzar's* pallet,*}* — 

Soon came, with eager haste, to view, 
Labour's stout sous, and daughters too! 
Eve's offspring all — from lady frail, 
To D0LL5 who bears the milking-pail, 
Enough to furnish a seraile ! — 

Meanwhile, a drummer of the core 5 J 
Who'd fought old soldier o'er and o'er, 
A wily elf, more knave than fool, 
Train'd up in ancient Pistol's school, 
And who a happy knack could boast, 
Of finding things before they're lost, 
(Yet, as his panegyrists teach, 
Ne'er took a thing beyond his reach) 
With hurried step, intent on pillage, 
Hast'ned to the deserted village! 
Soon did our hero, in his furtive range, 
Espy the burnish'd champion of the grange, 
With ruthless hand (unpitied by a tear) 
Stopp'd the ' shrill clarion' of proud Chanticleer, 
Not here desisted ! — nor can pen describe 
The havoc made amongst the feather'd tribe! 
This blade would steal a horse or mare, and mount her, 
Nor poultry spar'd, nor dreaded Poultry-compter; 

* Nebuchadnezzar. t Bed, or resting-place. $ Corps. 

C 2 



24 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Nor fear'd the wrath of day to come, 
But slyly stufFd into his drum 
The produce of bis noon-tide ramble, 
Fowls, ducks, and turkeys, tout -ensemble— 

Now did the modern Alexander 
(I mean the gallant troops' commander) 
Give word to march — Rous'd at th' inspiring sound, 
Soldiers, like Cadmians, started from the ground, 
The road retiring from their constant beat, 
Quickly the destin'd place their optics greet, 
Where, smiling bland, the beauties press, 
Allur'd by all-subduing dress ! — 
Proceeding through the yiwr-throng'd street, 
The drums th' accustomed march 'gan beat ; 
The comrades' hollow drums beat loud and clear, 
Our drum (so fully-crammd!) assail'd the ear 
With noise like sound emitted from a tub, 
For theirs went row-dow-dow ! but ours went rub- 

dub~dub $ 
The rest kept beating on — our cunning tike 
The motions flourish 'd well, but did not strike! 
By accident observed (though so sly) 
An officer (who ne'er a fault pass'd by) 
Call'd out, vocif'rous, in prodigious heat ; — 
'Pray why, infernal rascal, don't you beat?' 
Finding at once excuses for his tricks, 
Thus whispered soft the man of skin and sticks : 



THE DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. 25 

a Your Honour! — please when we to quarters 

come, 
" Pve got a turkey for you, in my drum !" — 
Incontinent, with the idea pleas'd, 
He smooth'd his wrinkl'd brow, and wrath appeas'd, 
And cry'd — ' Well, well — I pity you — but pray, 
4 If th' had'st Rheumatics got — why did'st not say ? ? 



c 3 



26 HUMOROUS POEMS* 

THE INFERENCE. 

A COLLEGE TALE. 



INTRODUCTION. 

Nothing so certain is, or serious, 
But that a wily wicked wit 
May (if his dogship thinketh fit) 

Turn into jest, or make mysterious. 

I'll set before you an example, 
Promiscuous ta'en from Memory's store, 
With simile your ears I'll bore, 

And afterward produce the sample. 

Those who in Middle-row have loiter'd, 
A dark and narrow place in Holborn, 
And mark'd the tatter'd wight and low born, 

And shabbaroos have reconnoiter'd, 
And, while the stalls they've rummag'd o'er, 
For obsolete and ancient lore, 

Enough to make 'em crazy, 
Have seen the raggamuffins pop 
Into the ready-rhino shop, 

To dip hap-hazard for a jazey,* 

No doubt have laugh'd to view their nobs, 

* Cant word for a wig. Formerly in Middle-row, Holborn, wigs 
of different sizes were put into a bag, and any person for three- 



THE INFERENCE. 27 

Furnish'd with perukes, hempen, flaxen, 
Or goat-hair, long-tail, cow-tail caxon, 

Or grizzles, perriwinks, # or bobs. 

So will your worships laugh to spy 
Your humble servant in a wig, 
Too long, 1 fear, too rough, too big, 

And put on too so much awry. 
My tale's the emblematic scratchy 

And most fortuitously hit on, 
When drest by me 'twill be a catch 

For critics to discharge their wit on ; 
For though I press and comb it out 

Smooth as I can, and oil it, 
A very little touch 1 doubt, 

Will discompose and spoil it; 
Then more the lash severe I dread, 

And strictures keen of hypers/f* 
Than water dripping on the head, 

Or scorpions' stings or vipers/ 
Ah! do not beadles of Parnass 

With cat-'o-nine-tails follow, 
A braying, straying, sinning ass, 

Against the god Apollo; 

pence, might dip his hand and take out the first he laid hold of; and 
if dissatisfied with his prize, might, on paying three-halfpence, 
return it and dip again. Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. 

* Perriwinkles— a sort of wig formerly much in vogue amongst 
seafaring persons; consisting of a great number of small curls 
spirally twisted to a point, and not unlike an assemblage of perri- 
winkles. f Hypercritics. 



30 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Soon to effect a demolition, 
Of the learn'd tutor's definition ; 
And Madam Fortune, or the Devil, 
(Who to his children's mighty civil 
On Earth, they say — and if 'tis true, 
Why let the Devil have his due ;) 
Contriv'd at once to make him pop 
On a gay academic fop, 
Who priz'd the mind's acquirements less 
Than the refinement of his dress, 
And with the fair sex chose to dangle, 
Rather than hear the students wrangle, 
Of chopping logic knew no more 
Than's known of sea, by us on shore.-— 

For though our tender, nurturing dame,* 
Has milk enough for all who claim, 
Yet some more wayward than the rest, 
Will never kindly take the breast. — 

The proposition public made, 
Was soon accepted by the blade ; 
'Twas done, and done — an umpire chosen ; 
The wager was, a rump and dozen. — 

And now to bring the joke about, 
Sir Pickle briskly sallies out ; 
But presently he makes a stop, 
At the sign-painter Wiseman's shop ; 

* Aima Mater. 



THE INFERENCE. 31 

(The modest muse, 'twould ill become her, 

To hint that this was a misnomer!) 
" Sir, I'm no stranger to your fame, 

" And find you have a wondWous name ! 

" Will you, sir, so obliging be 

" To draw an Inference for me ? 

u For you, I hear (I do not flatter), 

" Can draw prodigiously from nature." 
1 Good sir ! 1 can't an Inference draw, 

* For such a thing 1 never saw ! 

' Wish'd to obleege you' — " Do not doubt it, 

u No matter, sir, can do without it — 

" Good day t'ye, sir"— c Good day' — and now 

Makes to the painter his best bow, 

With feign'd confusion, bending double, 

" Sham'd to have given so much trouble." — 

Elated with this first success, 
He bless'd his stars, nor could do less ; 
And as he trips along the street, 
With bright'ned looks and nimble feet, 
Had the good fortune in the way, 
To meet a heavy loaded dray, 
Drawn by a horse of strength so great, 
Three tons did scarce appear a weight. 

Eftsoons our roguish chick addrest 
The sturdy driver of the beast ; 
€t Hip, my good friend," — (says he)— of course, , 
' A-whohey' — instant stops the horse ; 



30 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Soon to effect a -demolition, 
Of the learn'd tutor's definition ; 
And Madam Fortune, or the Devil, 
(Who to his children's mighty civil 
On Earth, they say — and if 'tis true, 
Why let the Devil have his due ;) 
Contriv'd at once to make him pop 
On a gay academic fop, 
Who priz'd the mind's acquirements less 
Than the refinement of his dress, 
And with the fair sex chose to dangle, 
Rather than hear the students wrangle, 
Of chopping logic knew no more 
Than's known of sea, by us on shore.— 

For though our tender, nurt'ring dame^ 
Has milk enough for all who claim, 
Yet some more wayward than the rest, 
Will never kindly take the breast. — 

The proposition public made, 
Was soon accepted by the blade ; 
'Twas done j and done — an umpire chosen ; 
The wager was, a rump and dozen, — 

And now to bring the joke about, 
Sir Pickle briskly sallies out ; 
But presently he makes a stop, 
At the sign-painter Wiseman's shop ; 

* Aima Mater. 



THE INFERENCE. 31 

(The modest muse, 'twould ill become her, 

To hint that this was a misnomer!) 
" Sir, I'm no stranger to your fame, 

" And find you have a wondWous name ! 

" Will you, sir, so obliging be 

" To draw an Inference for me ? 

" For you, I hear (I do not flatter), 

" Can draw prodigiously from nature." 

€ Good sir ! 1 can't an lifer ence draw, 
' For such a thing 1 never saw ! 
1 Wish'd to obleege you' — " Do not doubt it, 
" No matter, sir, can do without it — 
" Good day t'ye, sir" — c Good day' — and now 
Makes to the painter his best bow, 
With feign'd confusion, bending double, 
" Sham'd to have given so much trouble." — 

Elated with this first success, 
He bless'd his stars, nor could do less ; 
And as he trips along the street, 
With bright'ned looks and nimble feet, 
Had the good fortune in the way, 
To meet a heavy loaded dray, 
Drawn by a horse of strength so great, 
Three tons did scarce appear a weight. 

Eftsoons our roguish chick addrest 
The sturdy driver of the beast; 
" Hip, my good friend/' — (says he)— of course, 
' A-whohey'— instant stops the horse ; 



32 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

For, as I learn, though always mellow, 
He's a good-temper'd, civil fellow, 
Whose ruby cheek, reflective, shows 
The strong-beer fever of his nose, 
Which glowing in the ripen'd snout, 
Best proves the strength of master's stout, 
And recommends the potent brown, 
Better than any sign in town, — 

" My honest friend," begins the wag, 
" A little favour may I beg ? 
" I wish to have a short discourse, 
" About the powers of your horse ; 
" The noblest beast I ever saw ! 
" Pray how much think you he can draw?" 

' I cannot, master, jestly tell, — 
' He draa's his loads most desp'rate well !' — 

" D'ye think, as he has so much bone, 
" He'd draw an Inference alone ?" 

i I may not understand you right, 
' But think 'tis likely that he might, 
6 For yet I never know'd him flinch 
' At any thing, upon a pinch ; 
' And ta' him in a proper season, 
' He'll draa' ye any thing in reason, 9 — 

" That's good — 'tis just the thing by jingo, 
" Here's for a shilling's worth of stingo, 9 ' 

Long look'd for even came at last, 
And shew'd which way the die was cast; 



THE INFERENCE. 33 

The wag (all parties being met) 

Thus states his title to the bet :— 
u A man, a Wiseman too, I saw, 

" Who never could an Inference draw, 

" And afterward I saw r a horse, 

" Who could an Inference draw, of course; 

" For, on the credit of his tutor 

tl (Who's not here now, though may in future) 

u 'Tis certain, in a proper season, 

" He'd draw ye any thing in reason" — 

1 This (says the umpire) proves his fitness 
c To draw an Inference, with a witness; 
c It makes it very clearly out, 
' And puts the matter past a doubt.' — 

The Flat* now finding to his cost, 
That he had thus the wager lost, 

* There are three sorts of genii, or geniuses, in the great semina- 
ries of learning, as well as in other places, who, put them into a musi- 
cal scale, may be thus characterized : 

A person like the one above alluded to may be properly denomi- 
nated A Flat. 

A student in the university having a desire to peruse a book which 
was in the possession of another student in the adjoining chambers, 
sent his compliments and requested the loan of it for a short time — 
He returned this answer by the servant; " My compliments to your 
" master, and inform him I never lend a book out; but if your mas. 
" ter will come to my chambers and read it there, he shall be wel- 
M come." The gentleman conceiving this to be an uncivil refusal, 
did not go. — A short time afterward the book holder, having occa- 
sion to get a fire made in haste, sent his compliments to the first- 

D 



34 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Pays in a huff— d-mns his dull sconce, 
And rusticates himself at once; 
Whilst half a dozen jolly fellows, 
Sing out Old Rose and burn the bellows,* 

mentioned student, and begged he would lend him a pair of bellows 
—The gentleman returned this answer ; " My compliments to your 
" master, and inform him that I never lend my bellows out ; but if 
" your master will come to my chambers and make use of them there, 
" he may amuse himself by blowing at my fire till the bellows and 
" himself are both out of breath.'* — 

This you see is The Sharp. 

Another gentleman of the university having a favourite cat, and 
that she should not be confined in his absence, had a hole cut in the 
bottom of the door, to give her free egress and regress. Sometime 
afterward she kittened, and one of the kittens being very much like 
the mother, he determined to save it as her representative, in case 
she should die first. This point settled, he sent for Mr. Chopstick the 
carpenter, and ordered him to cut another hole in the door, of a si- 
milar form, but of a smaller size; which being done, Chopstick begged 
to know for what purpose the last hole was cut ? Why you must 
know, friend, replied the gentleman, I have two cats, a great one and 
a little one : the great hole is for the great cat, and the little hole is 
for the little cat to go through. — 

Here is The Natural. 

Another gentleman being under examination in the science of 
astronomy, was asked, among other questions, Whether the Sun re- 
volved round the Earth, or the Earth round the Sun ? After a little 
hesitation, he answered, " Sometimes one, and sometimes Mother." 
— This last genius, being a genius sui generis, and a non-descript, I 
have left a blank for my readers to fill up the space with such a term j 
ae they may think appropriate to him 

( ) 

* Expression used for excess of jollity. 



THE INFERENCE* 35 

And while the rosy wine they quaff, 
Indulge, at his expense, the laugh, 
And kept it up in joyous plight, 
'Till they had seen the noon of night. 



D 2 



36 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

THE 

GIPSIES AND THE STOLEN HOG. 

A TALE. 

The human race, we all agree, 
By Nature's unrestrain'd and free ? 
Yet the depravity of man 
Requires a strong coercive plan, 
The weak and feeble to protect, 
And our enormities correct ; 
Else boundless liberty, I trow, 
Into licentiousness would grow ; 

Though some in spite of law's decree, 

Wander, disgrace to policy. 

Search all this planet's ample round, 

Not one assemblage can be found, 

Amongst the tribes of human kind, 

Much more to liberty inclin'd, 

Than are the artful gipsy crew, 

Of sallow and disgusting hue, 

Who, scorning law's compulsive sway, 

Despoil the farmer night and day. 
Close by the skirtings of a wood, 

Near where a pleasant hamlet stood^ 






THE GIPSIES. ^ 

A dingy, smoke-dried, squalid race, 
Which even Norwood* might disgrace, 
Had pitch'd their tents— convenient spot 
For fuel, when they boil the pot, 
Or when they roast a dainty bit, 
To cut the ready ashen spit : 
For oft, excursive as they stroll, 
They nimf a pig, a duck, or fowl ; 
In short, whatever they can get, 
'" All's fish with them that comes to net." 
Now when the moon had forc'd away 
The shining monarch of the day, 
And had amidst the starry train, 
Began her Oliverian reign, % 
Forth from the predatory crew, 
Sly issue a selected few, 
Of those whose keen observant eye, 
Had mark'd the pride of all the sty ; 
With soft and cautious tread, and slow, 
Securely to the farm-yard go, 
There execute their fell design 
Amongst the batt'ning race of swine; 

* A place near London, famous for the resort of gipsies. 

t To steal or pilfer. 

$ " Oliver" is the gipsies' cant word for the moon. — These 
commonwealth's people frequently commit thefts in the night time 
during the protectorate, or under the favour of this planet, and for 
that reason, I presume, they call it Oliver. — The gipsies are some- 
times called moon-men, from their plundering excursions by moon- 
light. 

b3 



38 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

For well th* inebriate drug they knew, 
And what its influence could do, 
To stop their harsh discordant cries, 
And seal with sleep their maudlin eyes, 
Their booty take without remorse, 
And to the Ruffman's* bear his corse. 

His cruel fate who can but weep, 
Murder'd so basely in his sleep ! 

Ere Sol, with golden rays bedight, 
Had dried away the tears of night, 
Or ere the heralds of the morn, 
Had crow'd responsive — or the horn 
Sweet echoing through the woodland's space, 

Had call'd the hunters to the chase, 

The man of industry awoke, 

To feed bis swine and tend the yoke, 

No care his placid mind to cross, 

As yet unwitting of the loss. — 

Words can but give (howe'er combin'd) 

A faint idea of his mind, 

The loss perceiv'd ! his bosom bleeds, 

And rage to poignant grief succeeds. 
At length suspicions justly fell 

Upon the worthless imps of hell ; 

But they have arts to hide their prey. 

And keep detection still at bay ; 

* Cant term for a wood* 



THE GIPSIES. 39 

For though a trusty friend was sent, 
By seeming chance, to view the tent, 
Nought could be seen but old rags there, 
Straw, and their culinary ware, 
And one pretended sick, whose moan 
Would almost move a heart of stone, 
On purpose left — his looks command 
A shilling from the liberal hand ! 
" God bless you, sir !"— but ah ! forbear 
To reckon on the spurious pray'r ; 
For though to Charity be given 
The blessings of approving Heaven, 
Deceit can never call them forth, 
Nought but the deed's intrinsic worth ! 

Where now is gone each vagrant tramp ? 
Deserted thus the filthy camp ! 

Gone to the villages and farms, 
With asses, pedlar-dogs,* and swarms 
Of brats and bantlings, living lumber, 
Stuff'd into panniers,f without number, 



* A particular sort of dog, so called from their being chiefly kept 
by pedlars and trarapers. 

t The gipsies are a very prolific people — they have a community 
of wives, and indeed of every thing else; perhaps the celebrated 
author of " Thelypthora" might have witnessed the happiness of their 
system — it is very pleasant in theory, but the practice may, in some 
cases, be dangerous. This reminds me of a circumstance which hap- 
pened some time since — A testy old gentleman, who, it seemed, had 
more occasion for a nurse than a wife, being wedded to a person of 
inferior age, and taking offence at some slight inattention, exclaimed, 



4 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

And ballad-baskets, and with packs, 
And some with urchins at their backs. 
And now they make a short abode. 
Fixing head-quarters by the road, 
From whence some steal away, and lurk, 
Watching the peasants to their work, 
And then detach a whining mort* 
To importune for scraps and ort ;f 
They're soon bestow'd by Rose or Grace — 
" Bless your kind soul! bless that sweet face!" 

And now T fair Rose with art she plies, 
" Sweet girl, there's babes in those bright eyes !" 
Views her spread palm, and says 5 " in sooth 
" I here can trace the happy youth ! 
" Your fortune I can truly tell, 
" Don't be afraid, you'll like it well, 
" 'Tis but a tester — come — now do" — 

* Lwill,' says Rose, ' if Grace will too !' — 

" 1 will," says Grace, " if Rose will first," 
And Rose prepares to hear the worst ! 
Her swelling bosom heaving strong, 
Like wave propelling w r ave along, 

in a very peevish manner, '• he wished he lived in Turkey, for there,' s 
says he, " a man may have as many wives as he pleases." ' Pho, 
* pho, my dear/ replies the wife, ' you'd make but a poor Turk.'— 
And I firmly believe that the thelypthoratic scheme of the late reve- 
rend Mr. Madan, if he did not make us poor Turks, would make 
some of us ridiculous Christians. 

* Woman— Cant term. t Broken victuals. 



THE GIPSIES. 41 

Reveals (for Nature so design'd) 
The pleasing tumult of her mind ! 

Now must the fair, the blooming Rose, 
Her private marks and blies disclose ! 

Oh ! I should like, upon my honour, 
To play a merry trick upon her, 
And in a female gipsy's guise, 
Reading her fortune in her eyes, 
Extract the secrets of her soul, 
And find out where she has a mole ! 

But soft! — Remember that we ought 
To sin not-^no — not e'en in thought. 
Then must t bid the maid adieu, 
And turn reluctant from the view ! 

Reflecting (as we sometimes ought) 
On worldly matters, I have thought, 
That these prognostics often prove, 
The sources of illicit love ; 
For when the credulous or frail, 
Hears her whole fortune in detail — 
How many times she shall be wed, 
How often shall be brought to bed ; 
Or, if perchance the gipsies tell, 
That Eve, her great-great-grandame, fell, 
And (as one pea is like another) 
She ere she weds may be a mother ; 
No marvel when a youth assails, 
That he so easily prevails ; 



42 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

What must be, will be, soon or late, 
'Tis fruitless to oppose our fate. 

Whilst these, and scenes like these, move on, 
Until the fleeting day is done, 
The farmer meditates a plan 
At night to catch them— if he can! 
Delusive hope! can he expect 
A crew so wary. to detect ! 
As soon I should expect to find 
Munchausen's page to truth inclined, 
Or hear it told in serious mood, 
That Hell itself is built with wood! 
For see the corpse* they slyly take 
From the deep dell o'erspread with brake, 
And shelt'ring furze, whose flow'rets gay, 
Exclude Apollo's fiercest ray ! 

Now to the tent securely brought, 
He's habited as quick as thought, 
In the pretended sick man's clothes, 
With hat, and gloves, and shoes, and hose ; 
And where the garments loosely sit, 
With hay plumpt out they're made to fit; 
A dirty cap and cravat deck 
His head, and ears, and face, and neck; 
His bosom stain'd th' Egyptian hue, 
With walnut juice, is left to view, 

* The stolen hog. 



THE GIPSIES. 43 

And thus equipt from feet to head, 
He represents the gipsy dead ! 

And now his corpse in form laid forth, 
Upon the lap of mother Earth, 
And torches lighted ; they begin 
A loud and most infernal din, 
And, with their shrieks, make more ado 
Than Paddy with his pillaloo* — 
Whilst one more artful than the rest, 
The pitying farmer thus addrest : 
'* If thou hast not a heart of steel, 
" For our misfortune you must feel, 
" For see our father's lying dead 
" Upon the cold and grassy bed; 
" Then at the dawn thy servants send, 
" Thy wain and horses likewise lend, 
<€ And take him to a distant place, 
" The burying-ground of all our race ; 
" Which if thou dost, may Heaven shed 
" Its choicest blessings on thy head, 
" Preserve thy offspring day and night, 
" Thy folds from rot — thy corn from blight ; 
"• But if thou cruelly reject 
" This small request, can'st thou expect 
" Thy cattle to be free from harm, 
'■' From malice, or from spell or charm i" 

* The Irish death-howl 



44 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Detested wretch ! who impious dares 
Include a menace in his prayers! — 

Whether compassion most prevails, 
Or fear the farmer's mind assails, 
We know not — but he gives consent, 
And unsuspicious leaves the tent : 
Next morn the wain conveys sir gruff,* 
Full many tedious furlongs off, 
He's quickly unattir'd, and then 
No gipsy he, but hog again ! 
With Shylock knives they carve him up, 
And on his flesh in riot sup ! 

What though these feats may please awhile, 
Or force a momentary smile, 
Reflection's calm will sure succeed, 
And mark the mischiefs of the deed ! 
'Tis not the loss we most deplore, 
Groundless suspicions injure more ; 
For now, unhappily, we find 
Misgivings foul possess his mind, 
For at the guiltless humble cot, 
He pays the visit long forgot, 
And hoping he some trace may find, 
Calls in, uncharitably kind ! 

Oh ! may the wisdom of the state 
Old laws enforce, or new create, 

* Gruff, or gruffy— jocular terra for a hog. 



• 



THE GIPSIES, 45 

To rid us of the sons of spoil, 
The vagrant pests of Albion's isle ; 
And far off, on this earthly ball, 
Transport the miscreants, one and all. 



46 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

THE BEGGARS. 

A TALE. 

A beggar happ'ning once to pop 
Into a beggar-maker's shop,* 
Found there a brother of the trade, 
Who the same port had likewise made, 
To screen him from the pelting rain, 
And get his wardrobe dry again ; 
Snug — till the wind should lose its breath, 
And calmly die a nat'ral death ! 

The proverb says, « Birds of a feather 
" Do usually flock together ;" 
'Tis true— And yet we seldom see 
Two of a trade who can agree ! 
Nor, as you'll find, did these two wights, 
These eleemosynary knights ! 
They knew, instinctively, each other, 
Each was a judge, and spy'd a brother ! 
The last who came, good at a joke, 
His new acquaintance thus bespoke, 
" What say's thee snap-crust— hast a min't 
" To treat old TATTERsf with a pint? 

* An alehouse. 

t The facetious Mr. Foote observed, " that till he saw the beg- 
gars in Ireland, he always wondered what the English beggars did 
with their old clothes !"— I have seen some of the fraternity with 



THE BEGGARS. 47 

t€ I see thee'st been a lucky man, 

" And got thy wallet full of scran ;* 

rt But if thee better lik'st — find meat, 

<e And I'll with nappy brownf stand treat ; 

" Come, stir the mokesj — let's have a broil, 

" And talk of charity the while ! 

u Here, boy ! a mug of barley broth ; 
" Don't tip us, though, a pint of froth ! 
" I don't much like the head so big, 
" It minds me of a quorum wig," 
' And quorum wigs, upon my soul, 
6 Mind me,' says Snap-crusty ' of a goal ;'§ 
" But to proceed," says Snap-crust, " pray 
" Hast met with any luck to-day ?" 
' Why pretty well — I don't complain, 
' A score of hogs|| before th am/ 
" Where did you ply ?" ' On yon steep hill, 
i Where walking seems like standing still, 

such labyrinthine suits on, that if they ever undress themselves, they 
must have excellent memories to get into them again the same way ! 
— The wags jocularly observe of these suits, that they must be very 
warm ; for, say they, if the wind blows in at one hole, there are a 
hundred others to let it out again ! 

* Cant term for victuals. 

t Brown ale. 

$ Embers or coals. 

§ Improperly thus pronounced and spelt ; its derivation is from 
the French word gaol, and should be pronouncedjaii. 

U Cant word for a shilling-^Hog of twelve score (i. e.) twelve pence. 
E2 



48 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

* There pickt my men just as I list, 

' And coppers* very seldom miss'd.— 

' One oldish gentleman I saw, 
' Divinity, I guess'd, or law, 
' I could not tell at first, of course ; 
6 But when I saw him had his horse, 
' Knew by his kindness to the beast, 
c He'd give me two-pence at the least. 
" 'Twas a dead certaintyf I knew, 
ic These are sure signs 'twixt me and you." 

r Now higher on the hill advanc'd, 
' When at his coat and wig I glanc'd, 
i I had the curate in my eye, 

* The fag end of divinity ; 

c I almost always know my men, 
' A double certainty 'twas then : 

* Halfpence. 

t These people, by frequent observations, can estimate occurrences 
from the remotest expectation up to a dead or double certainty ! and 
that such a thing as a double certainty does exist, is incontestably and 
ingeniously proved, in the folio dictionary of that colossus of litera- 
ture, the late celebrated Dr. Johnson, and may be seen under the 
word nine, which he thus defines : — " Nine, a number one more 
than eight, and one less than ten." — That nine must be one more than 
eight, is a numerical certainty ; and that it is one less than ten, is as 
certainly another : so that, if one and one make two, this is a double 
certainty ! — ' As sure as eggs are eggs,' is a common expression, in- 
dicative of the truth of an assertion ; and, ' As sure as one and one 
make two,' is another: each of these is but a single certainty, and 
therefore, were I inclined to make an observation, in order to im- 
press it the more forcibly on the minds of my auditors, I should, on 
the credit of the Doctor's discovery, say, '? As sure as nine is nine." 



} 



THE BEGGARS. 49 

* At length safe landed on the brow, 

' He stopt ; thought I, 'tis my time now ; 

* For charity I humbly sue, 

* I pray'd for God's sake— Christ's sake too f 
c And, when I twigg'd his moist'ning eye, 

* Shook like an aspen, feign'd a cry, 
< And did his rev'rence for a si !* 

' At dinner-time, and bus'ness slack, 
' I stept to Joe's, and got a snack,f 
1 A pot of mildchee, % and a whiff, 
' And off again in half a jiff !§ 

* Cant term for a sixpence. 

t A short, irregular, and informal meal, frequently taken on jour- 
neys, to save time» 

$ Mild ale. 

§ Jiff or jiffy, a jocular expression, and means a short space of 
time. Innumerable are the expressions (particularly amongst sailors) 
to shew what expedition may be, or is intended to be made, in the 
doing of any act ; the progress of these is curious. I perfectly recol- 
lect, when a school-boy, an expression of this kind — ' Before you 
can say Jack Robinson' — was very common. After the intervention 
of various others, that of — * As soon as you can say peas' — came 
into vogue ; but some persons, who were not over precipitate, very 
properly qualified it by adding — * and boil them.' Next, the ele- 
gant expression of doing any thing ' In a pig's whisper' came into 
fashion! (What particular period of time this contains, I am at a loss 
to determine, having never yet had the pleasure of hearing these me- 
lodious animals exhibit in this way ! — I have frequently, and with 
admiration, observed them make transitions from one note to another, 
and which usually has a most charming effect.) — The ingenuity of 
modern times has, I believe, brought this business to its ne plus ultra, 
its greatest perfection ! and people can now, according to their own 
declarations, do things ' In less than no time V This beats Joshua's 

E 3 



50 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

' Went to the other side the town, 

' And at the bridge-foot sat me down ; 

6 Was doing wonders, till the rain 

e Drove me from off my place again : 

' I had an ague fit to-day, 

' 'Till the rain wash'd it quite away !* 

< And now the folks began tt> push 
' For shelter to a tree or bush, 
1 And those on horseback whipt and rid, 
6 Faster than Gilpinf ever did — 
' 'Twas dickey % all — so off I ran ; 
e Pity was lost for beast and man!' 

Not fiercer broil'd the blazing meat, 
Than snap-crust did at tatters' feat, 
He curst him, d— mn'd him, calPd him cheat, 
For interfering in his beat. — 

Tatters vindictive was, but sly, 
And smooth'd him with a soft reply : 

making the sun stand still -, for that only protracted daylight, and 
puzzled the clocksmiths ! but this has all the advantages of time, 
without the inconvenience of waiting for it. 

* This expression is well understood by the fraternity, but requires I 
some explanation here. A beggar, in order to excite compassion, 
must look as well as act the character he assumes. He had that day 
taken upon him a sham ague, and for the purpose of looking pale and 
cold, had made use of a clayey substance on his face, but which the 
rain had washed off. 

t That renowned quidnunc, immortalized by his equestrian jour- 
ney from London to Edmonton. 

$ Dickey — (j. e.) The game is up — Tis all over — There's an end 
Qf the matter. 



THE BEGGARS. 51 

Come, drink about, and don't be hot, 
Til give thee part of what I've got, 
And treat to boot— There's half a crown- 
Hast ever begg'd in Gotham town ?' 
9 No, I am shagged, for I know, 
c Jack Ragaboy, awhile ago, 
' Got sorely flogg'd for begging there ; 
1 The beadle had him to the may'r !" 
So he did ; me but what of that, 
I d—mn'd his worship for a flat, 
Throw'd it in sharp — it is as true 
As God made Moses — so may you ; 
He's but a cake, and that I saw, 
And frighten'd if you talk of law? 

" Gotham's a charitable town ! 
1 I thought myself of going down ; 
' But 'tis thy beat, I'll not go nigh, 
c I'd rather thou should'st go than IV 9 

Next morn was fine — why should he wait 
So took a dram, and gang'd his gait — 
To the good place he posted down, 
And plyM the outskirts of the town, 
Took cash galore — and then a dram, 
And found by these his courage came ; 
Then to the town proceeds, but first 
Took stingo* to allay his thirst ; 

* Strong beer. 



52 HUMOROUS TOEMS. 

And thus made bold with drams* and beer, 

Could face the devil, or a may'r ! 

At length, whilst wandering about, 

The beggar's bo-boyf spied him out, 

And to the mayor's in a trice, 

Took him with all his rags and lice ! 
Mayor. t What fellow's that ? how came he here ?' 
Beadle. " An please your worship, muster mayor, 

" I found him begging in the town, 

" So took him up, and brought him down" — 
Mayor. ' That's right — and I've a monst'rous mind 

c To have the thief-lookt chap confin'd ; 

€ What say ye, beadle ? will it do ?' 
Beadle. " I know I wou'd, if I was you;" 
Beggar. What you ? Mayor. * Yes, he — and if you 
prate, 

* I'll have you flogg'd as sure as fate.' — 
Beggar. Do 3 if you dare — and if you do, 

D— mn you, the law shall make you rue ! 
Mayor. € What sw 7 ear too, do ye i That's enough ! 

' Take him, and strip him to the buff, 

* The smugglers (jocularly called smugsmiths) in some parts of 
Sussex, frequently sit down and drink white brandy (which they call 
moonshine) in the same manner that wine-drinkers do port : each 
has a pot of strong beer by him, out of which he drinks between 
every toast, to allay the heat occasioned by the ardent spirit; and 
this they, very properly, call Fire and quench ! A stomach of bell- 
metal would be very convenient on these occasions. 

t The beadle. 






THE BEGGARS. 53 

6 At the cart's tail — ne'er mind his cries, 
' But lash him till the claret flies/ — 
Beadle. a Yes, yes, your worship, that I'll do — 

" I'll teach him how to say — what yotj !" 

He soon exerted all his skill, 

And fann'd his hide with heart and will ! 

The man who whipt apostle Paul, 
Five times forgot to give him all 
His lashes ; sith he gave no more 
Than nine and thirty for two score ! 
But this obliging beadle gave 
One over what snap oughWo have, 
And, to indulge his country cousin, 
Let him have thirteen to the dozen ! 
Drew 7 out and painted on his back, 
A Yankee-doodle Boston jack, # 
Then set the wincing culprit free, 
With thirteen stripes and liberty! — 

The feeling muse could never bear 
A tale of woe, unmov'd to hear, 
Or one relate, so draws a veil 
O'er the affecting sad detail, 
And brings poor snap-crust back again, 
Without recital of his pain.— 

* A small flag or colour used on ship-board, for ornament or use.— 
Since the secession of the American colonies, their characteristic flag 
is composed of thirteen stripes of various colours, representing the 
number of the United States. 



54 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Soon as arriv'd he 'gan t' upbraid 
The sly rogue tatters, that he'd play'd ] 
Such a vile trick, and got him flay'd ! 
Said, * Tatters, you have never been 
' To Gotham, nor the may'r have seen ;' 
Tatters declar'd he had done both, 
And back'd th' assertion with an oath ! 

" You said, you d— mn'd, (but 'twas not true.) 
Ce The beadle, and the mayor too ! 
"And d— mn'd his worship for a flat!" 
' Yes, yes, my friend, I did all that' — 
u And d— mn'd his worship to his face !" 

c I'd see him d— mn'd first — no, thou ass ! 
' I d— mn'd his worship, sure enough, 
c But that was at a distance off, 
' 'Twas when I rested on a stile 
' Without the town, about a mile ! 

' I always d— mn such cattle where 
6 1 know the humbugs cannot hear." # 

* A humorous gentleman, when mayor of a certain corporate 1 
town, being averse to the severity of flogging, hit upon the following 
more lenient experiment to prevent begging there. He gave strict \ 
injunctions to the beadle, to take every man he found begging, to a 
barber,' and, at the expense of the corporation, to have him shaved, 
and his hair or wig frizzed, dressed and powdered to the very 
tippy of the ton ! he was then dismissed, with a caution not to dis- 
compose his head-dress whilst in the town, on pain of being 
severely flogged ! This prohibition from scratching the head, afford- 
ing the hands more leisure to rub the back, which his troublesome I 
associates were continually annoying, drew forth the observation 
from a wag, that 'the gentleman's bosom friends had become his 






THE BEGGARS. 55 

backbiters. 9 — This was really the origin of the now common and 
sarcastic observation. The new ornament made so ridiculous a con- 
trast between the head and the garment, that the semi-beaux gene- 
rally quitted the town immediately — And the ladies of the mendicant 
society, who frequented the neighbourhood, many of whom were 
strapping young wenches, suspecting that the ingenious magistrate 
might devise some equally or perhaps more ridiculous operation for 
them, very prudently kept out of the way. And thus, by the 
examples of the male, and the apprehensions of the female beggars, 
the inhabitants of the town were relieved from the whining impor- 
tunity of these troublesome impostors. 

The beggars litany runs thus : 

" From Hell, Hull, and Halifax — Good Lord deliver us !" 

The betrayed hero of our tale has added another supplicatory 

article, and repeats it with great energy, as follows: 

*' From Hell, Hull, and Halifax — From mayors, beadles, pretended 

" friends, and from all uncharitableness— Good Lord deliver us !" 



56 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

DAME HOBDAY. 

Dame Hobday, and her grandson, and a whale, 
And Noah's flood, and many other things ! — a tale. 

Dame Hobday had a darling grandson, Jan, 
The hopeful issue of her daater Nan ; 

Jan was so mortal cute, that when astride 
A broomstick, he could whistle and could ride ! 
Could play at marbles too — surprising thing ! 
And even draw a pantile with a string ! ! 

Jan, nor his granny, ever yet had been 
To Dover, nor the sea or ships had seen ; 
So Jan must have a holiday, and go, 
With granny, down, to see the wond'rous show. 

Jan was bedizen'd with a bran new coat 
Of shepherd's velvet, # for the purpose bought, 
And waistcoat red as blood, and breechest lother,f 
And was to be ' a man before his mother /§ 

* Jocularly so called — It is a coarse and very thick sort of cloth, 
well known by the name of fear-nothing, or fear-nought. 

t I have retained the word breeches, as they are known by no 
other name amongst country folk. The change from vulgarity to 
refinement, in cities and towns, has introduced other appellations ; 
there they are generally called small clothes ; but some ladies of 
high rank and extreme delicacy call them inexpressibles. 

% Commonly so pronounced by the lower class of country people. 

§ An expression sometimes signifying approbation of a child's 
conduct, but more frequently used as an incitement to its good be- 
haviour. If this expression be not founded on the probability of 



DAME HOBDAY. 57 

Nan comb'd his carrots out, and washt his face, 
Where the whole moral* of his dad she'd trace, 
And with a mortf of halfpence she enriches 
The pockets of his new-made breeches; 
Gives him her blessing, and with hearty busses, 
Bids him u be sure and no gu nigh de hosses, 
" Nor yit de sea;" her care so much abounded, 
She fear'd he'd fall into it and " be drownded !" 
These proper cautions given, off they march, 
Th' indulgent dame and Jan, as stiff as starch*, 
And as they travel on the pleasant w 7 ay, 
Jan, curious, ever and anon would say, 
" Granny, what's that?" just as the thought migh 

strike, 
" Who made the sea, and what the sea was like I" 

Now Janny's mother, granny's only dater, 
Had told him, that the sea was full of water, 
But did not tell who made it, nor did say 
What it was like, before they went away ; 

sexual changes, it is nonsense.— Whether such mutations realty 
pen, I cannot, on ray own knowledge, affirm. I have in my time 
met with things which were flat contradictions to the hypothesis ; 
but, as Mynheer Van Dondermans says, that ' nothing is impossible/ 
&c. and as I have somewhere read, " Quod mulier nihil aliud e3t 
quam homo introversus," I will not hazard a contradiction, but leave 
the mysterious business for the learned in combustibles to speculate 
upon. 

* Moral — I apprehend, for model— frequently u«ed by counti 
folks. 

t A great number. 



58 HUMOKOUS POEMS. 

So granny undertook the task you'll see, 
And made it out as clear as a, b, c — 

" Duddent yow see dat pon dun roun wood mud, 
4i In de farm yard ?" Jan answer'd — ' Yes, he dud/ 
" Why den dat's like de sea, (a mortal place to dig,) 
u Oney dey say de sea's ten thousand times as big !" 

As yet uninterruptedly they wait 
And pass the time away in such like talk, 
Till on the other side a turning, 
(Jan's ears had given timely warning) 
A man on horseback, drunk with gin and flip, 
Bawling out — Yoix — and cracking of his whip, 
Came driving on, and spurr'd his horse and hit him, 
And rode, confound him, like the devil split him, 
Turning the road as short as e'er he cou'd, 
Where Jan and gran close up for safety stood, 
The startish beast took fright, and flop 
The mad-brain'd rider tumbled, neck and crop ! 
Yet as he'd luckily receiv'd no hurt, 
Only a little bruise or two, and dirt, 
He scrambled up, but feeling soon the smart, 
He d — mn'd the horse's soul, and # d — mn'd his heart, 
And when he'd mounted, looking round at John, 
D — mn'd his great pumkin head, and gallop'd on ! 

Whilst harum-scarum's getting out of sight, 
And Jan and gran recov'ring from their fright, 
That no hiatus may be left, of course 
I'll make a handsome come off, for the horse'; 



DAME HOBDAY. 59 

And therefore, gentle reader, you must know, 
That Jan's tight hat, had bound his sweating brow. 
So that both hands were necessary now, 
To drag it off, to make a sprawling bow ; 
And this (for no one doubts the thing) must tend, 
To set his glowing head of hair an end ! 
Which seem'd to blaze upon his pallid face, 
Like a gilt frame around a sculptur'd vase ! 

Nothing, they say, will make a horse retire 
So quickly as th' instinctive dread of fire ; 
Should this be granted, then 'tis surely right 
To plead excuses for his sudden fright ; 
For if Imagination, fearful, can 
Deceive, as some time since it did, a man, 
And made him cry out, when he struck a post 
In a dark night — O Lord, a ghost ! a ghost ! 
And an old woman full of gin and evil, 
' O, my good God !' when she fell o'er the devil! 
Or pencil'd tints delude in various shapes, 
And make a sparrow peck at painted grapes ! 
How can we wonder at it or admire, 
That the scar'd horse should think his head on fire ! 

Now Fortune's wheel had moved half a turn, 
By which, those who attentive are may learn, 
That most disasters have a healing balm, 
And when a storm is over comes a calm ; 
Or, if the simile we would extend, 
c When things are at the worst, of course they'll mend' — 

F 2 



60 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

'Twas just so now, for soon Jan's beating heart 
Grew still, at coming of a neighbour's cart ; 
The civil owner kindly took them down, 
To a good public-house in Dover town, 
And gave them bread and cheese and good strong beer, 
And likewise gave directions to the Pier.- — 
Here ev'ry thing was matter of surprise ; 
Above a cot, how 7 much the houses rise ! 
Above the houses too, how much the spire ! 
It was so high, it could not be no higher! 
And now the cliffs the travellers dismay, 
So they kept close on t'other side the way, 
For they were apprehensive that it must, 
Fall down and knock the houses into dust ! 
And now approaching slowly to the Pier, 
They see the crowded ships' tall masts appear ; 
So little of these things they understood, 
That they determin'd it to be a wood ; 
The colour'd vanes for weather-cocks they took, 
Each climbing sailor-boy, a crow, or rook ; 
But when the shipment boist'rous noise Jan heard, 
He cried, c< Dant gu no furder — I'm afeard" — 
' No more we waunt den, lovey,' says the dame ; 
So turn'd about, and back again they came, 
But not the self-same road by which they went, 
But tookhe way that borders on the Pent. # 

* A large bason, or sort of inner harbour, called the Pent, because 



DAME HOBDAY. 61 

Now the spring tide, by Neptune's firm control, 
Had serv'd out bumpers from his mighty bowl, 
To all his friends by land, and made 
The rivers drink " Success to Albion's trade ;" 
Nor was there one neglected, for he'd sent 
(Among the rest) a bumper to the Pent ! 
Here open'd then a wondrous scene my friends, 
Which made the good old grand dame full amends ; 
For when she saw the water spreading wide, 
c Dere, dats de sea ! — I'm sure it is !' she cry'd, 
And there she stood and star'd, and made a halt, 
As firm as Lot's wife did, when turn'd to salt ! 

Dame Hobday never in her life could read, 
So took, of course, tradition for her creed ; 
She'd heard of Jonah's whale, and Balaam's ass, 
And things which formerly had come to pass ; 
And Noah's dreadful flood had heard of too, 
But said " she hop'd in God it was not true V 9 
Yet still her mind impressions took like dough, 
And any thing believ'd, if told 'twas so ! 
Now eager looking on th' expanded tide, 
At a small distance on the flood she spy'd, 
A large proportion of a vessel's hull, 
Dismasted, and with mud and water full, 
Where by her side was fastened a boat, 
Which with the buoyant tide was kept afloat. 

at high tide the water is penned in by large flood-gates, for the pur- 
pose of being let loose at low water to cleanse the outer harbour. 
F 3 



62 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Soon came along the margin of the Pent, 
('Twas just as though the fates on purpose sent 
The man of all men else) — strange to relate ! 
That he no other was than Mr. Mate ! # 
Who tells a story with as good a grace, ^ 
And hums as highly with a serious face, > 
As any one whatever in the place. j 

a An please your honour, may I be so bold, 
" To ask (says dame) your worship, for we've prowl'd 
" All de way down from home to see de sea, 
" To tell us what dat dere great thing may be ?" 

Seeming attentively to hear her tale, 
' That thing/ says he, € good woman, is a whale. 9 — 
" Yow dant say so indeed ! den what's dat tother ?" 
* Why that's a young whale, playing with its mother/ 
Stock still she stood — at length the refluent tide 
Had partly left the bulky vessel's side, 
When through a leaky part, the wat'ry store 
Full in the fasten'd boat began to pour ; 
Not the least doubt could dwell upon her mind, 
If she before to doubt had been inclin'd. — 
M De laud ! oh gemany V she cry'd, with wonder 

struck 
" How natharal the old one gives the young one 
suck !" 

* Mr. Mate was then patentee of the theatre royal at Margate. — 
He is an excellent comedian, and, with or without his ingenious, but 
innocent amplifications, is a most admirable companion. 



DAME HOBDAY. 63 

And now these leading circumstances brought 

To her considering mind the puzzling thought, 

That should the eager sucking whalekin cry 

For t'other bottle, when't had drawn that dry, 

How its mamma could (since no arms she spied), 

Turn the babe over to the other side ! 

And w T ould have staid to view the wondrous sight, 

But that she wisely thought of coming night, 

And the long shadows of declining day 

Reminded her 'twas time to go away ; 

So home she went with Jan, and told her tale, 

How she had " seen de sea ! and seen a whale ! !" 

Yet though she'd neither seen, as it befel, 

She thought she had, and that was quite as well. 



64 HUMOROUS POEMS. 



THE 



BARTERING JEW AND THE LACE 
MERCHANT. 

A TALE. 

A knowing one of the foreshort'ned race, 
Who had two strings unto his bow, 
That is, two trades ye all must know, 

Resided in a certain place. 

The one (though strange) was yet a lawful trade ! 

He vaunting told the world it was deceit ! 
Not the deceit so much in vogue 
With ev'ry Jew or Christian rogue, 

The common, luring, gudgeon bait, 

In bart'ring, barg'ning, selling, buying, 
Short weights, or measures, swearing, lying,* 
By which they get their daily bread : 

No, 'twas deception of a fairer nature, 

Et qui vult decipi decipiatur ; 

'Twas sleight of hand, whose feat no stigma leaves, 

But's most applauded when it most deceives ! 

* Some persons (they say) are apt to tell lies whilst they are busyl 
in talking; Obadiah Broadbrim said to one of his fraternity — «« What 
pity, neighbour, that lying is a sin — it is so handy in business!" 



THE BARTERING JEW. 65 

His other trade was chiefly in the sales 
Of jewels, battens, watches, rings, 
And many other little nick-nack things 
For ladies, or for fribbling lady-males ! 
Coach-harness buckles* for long quartered shoes, 
Lockets for lovers' hair so closely twin'd, 
Sweet emblem of their dove-like souls combin'd, 
And seals with mottos for enamoured beaux. 

But, understand he never laid the bait, 
In this last branch, by bragging of deceit. 
H e'd barter too at any time or place, 
For gold, or silver, thread or silken lace — 

In Portsmouth street, as walking to and fro, 
This Jew a person met, whom many know, 
The gentleman I mean (for such the case is) 
Drives a neat one-horse chaise and deals in laces— 

" Pray, Mr. W , shall we try to teal, 

" I vants to puy some very handsome lashe 
" To ornament de pretty ladish fashe, 
u Haf you cot some dat's good and sheap to sell?" 
' ] have got Mechlenburghs/ replies my friend, 

* The reader will naturally suppose that coach-harness buckles 
are mentioned in allusion to the enormous size of the modern shoe- 
buckle — I believe the simile is adequate to the subject, being only 
parva componere magnis — a link of a man of war's mooring- 
chain might have been a better comparison. — N. B. The reader will 
please to notice that this was written in the year 1791. Editor. 



66 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

' And to say truth, they're to be sold, 
' But then I must have heavy gold 
■ For all the Mechlenburghs I vend,— 
The Hebrew shrugs his shoulders up, and scratches 
His knowing, deep, and full brusht head, 
Where many a cunning scheme was bred, 
Fit reservoir for what he hatches ! 
Search the twelves tribes you'll never find 
A Jew who leaves his head behind ! 
" Py Cot I have no monish in my preeches, 
" Put I vill parter met you for some vatches" — 
' No cockalorum, there we shant agree, 
' I have one watch, and that's enough for me!' — 

Not long time afterwards the Jew had got 
For sale, a handsome silver coffee-pot, 
'Twas chas'd without, and polished within't, 
And bore the genuine lion of the Mint — • 
Soon my friend's eye the shining object catches, 
Says he, l I'll barter for the coffee-pot,' 
" As shall Cot help me, I've no oder cot! — 
" Met all my heart, I'll parter for de vatches" — 
' But why for watches only ? pray reveal ? 
' 'Twill make no difference — since we cannQt deal.' 
" By Cot Almoitish den de truth I'll own, 
<f Vatches haf veels,* put coffee-pots haf none !" 

* Wheels. 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 67 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 



Castigo te, non quod Odio habeam 
Sed quod amem. 



Goddess of night! on whom I doat, 

Bid my ideas wildly float, 

For how can I in sober lays, 

And unerratic, sing thy praise ! 

Thine ! whom no constant form can bind, 

For ever varying as the wind ! 

He who defines thee in profile 

May catch a dog upon a stile ! 

Or full as likely, thou'rt so frail, 

Hold a prize pig* with soap on's tail ! 

Thy rays, resistless, who can feel, 

Or long retain a slipp'ry eel ? 

Then if the poet's rash attempt should fail, 

The eel is gone, the moonshine, and pig's tail ! 

When first thy new-born light we see 
Emerging from obscurity, 
? Tis but a slender silvery thread 
To circle round thy darken'd head ; 

* A country diversion in holiday time — the pig's tail is cut shorty 
well soaped, and he is then turned loose, and whoever first catches 
him by the tail, and holds him up above his head, wins him. 



68 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

But quickly growing into horns, 
(Like fronts on earthy thy front adorns ; 
No jealous husband now should roam, 
But constantly keep watch at home, 
Else cara sposa* — dearest wife, 
May plant a pair to last for life, 
Whilst thine, no longer now asunder, 
Have never been a nine nights' wonder. 

Now as thy light progressive spreads, 
Its influence maddens mortals heads, 
Vexes with whims their curdled brains, 
And lunacy or folly reigns ; 
Else how 7 could some so silly be 
To speak obloquiously of thee ! 
If Herschel's tube should come this way, 
I'll tell thee through it what they say, 
If not, Fll wait upon thee soon, 
Wafted in Blanchard's new balloon. 

Some do affirm — sure 'tis a whapper! f 
ThouVt silver plated upon copper ! 
Others thou art, (and just as true,) 
Brasbridge's neat argent moulu ! 

* A half-witted cornuto said to a person, who was condoling with 
him on his unfortunate situation, that he should not have cared about 
his wife's making'a wh — e of herself, if she had not made a cuckold 
of him — but I do not see why any blame could be imputable to her, 
for if any man is, by the unalterable decrees of fate, born to be a 
cuckold, how is it the wife's fault? 

f A jocular expression for a lie of considerable mv. gnitude. 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 

And some thou art — Gods how they clinch it!* 
Double block tin, and made by Finchett ! ! 

Once on a mantled stagnant pool 
Thy image dimly seen at full, 
Was for a cheese mistaken ; 

What fun to see the rabble rout 

Rush in, resolved to drag thee out, 
And eat thee with their bacon ! 

But foil'd in the attempt they fly, 

And never dare again come nigh/ 
Though they of courage vaunted ; 

Go constantly another way, 

Because they're sure, they know, they say, 
As how the place is haunted ! 

'Tis malice or 'tis want of sense 
At venial faults to take offence ; 
Yet hast thou faults, they will be sung 
Loudly, by Envy's venom'd tongue ! 
Lo, tell-tale Fame, with busy lips, 
Meaning to show thee in eclipse, 
Hath said with seeming indignation, 
That thou hast made an assignation ! 
And lewdly, and without compunction, 
Hast acquiesc'd in a conjunction ! 
Poor Robin, Philomath, and Moore, 
Had hinted at the thing before ! 

* The ne plus ultra of lying. 
G 



70 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

I grieve to see on thy fair face 
A diagram of thy disgrace, 
Drawn by the weather-brewing pack, 
To ornament an almanack ; 
I hate these peeping Toms, these spies, 
Who blab the secrets of the skies, 
I'd play the scoundrels such a trick 
As ne'er was thought on by Old Nick ; 
Td meditate the gazers' fall, 
And take revenge upon them all, 

Give the lex talionis ; — that 
You know's the law of tit for tat ; 

Against each vile prognosticator — 
I'll be thy counsel in the matter, 

Tell thy fierce love, an interview 
So much in public will not do ; 
Say 'tis unseemly, unbefitting — 
Have no objection to a meeting 
At some hotel in Zodiac place, 
Where none can witness the disgrace ; 
Else stars on chastity may trample, 
Encourag'd by thy lewd example, 
And Venus, thy bright maid of honour, 
By Mars may get a shade upon her ! 
Appoint some house or sign of note, 
For instance now, the Ram, or Goat ; 
Still secret kept the deep design, 
And stop at spotless Virgo's sign; 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 71 

'Twill disappoint thy wanton spark, 

And leave the gazers in the dark; 

Immaculate preserve thy fame, 

And bring the blinking owls to shame; 

Prove 'twas a lie, whoever said it, 

And, like their'wEATHER, blast their credit. 

But, apropos, I can disclose ! 
A circumstance to fret thy foes ; 
'Twas not a hundred years ago 
(As anno Domini can shew), 
In their star-chamber inquisition 
(It was a garret by position) 
Twelve sapient wights were met together, 
To fix the next year's wind and weather ; 
Who could help smiling at the sight! 
The broken tiles let in the light, 
These untaxed windows brought to view., 
At night, thyself, a star, or two ; 
And in the day to throw were able, 
A puzzling light upon the table — 
Here as the elves profoundly sat 
In meteorologic chat, 
Unto the senior of the rest, 
The junior thus himself addrest ; 
u For the first month what weather's meet, 
u Toputdown?" Answer — 'sNowand sleet/ 

G 2 



} 



72 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

a For February now again ?" 

6 Why put down wind, and hail, and rain. 

" When is the sun to cross the line \" 

' Don't know, by Jove — can none divine ? 
* Can you ? or you ?'— All answer, No ! 
' Then privately let some one go 
4 To such a one— he'll let us know. 

c O Lord ! how times and seasons vary ! 
' And the moon's got so curst contrary ! 
' Let's cut the matter short — we know 
c In harvest there must be no snow; 
tf As for the rest, 'tis just like France, 
hi firmly b'lieve 'tis all a chance ! 

'Hush! hush! hark! hark! — who's there 
that knocks !' 
u A porter, gemmen, with a box ; 
" Tight work, your honours — long way up — 
" Thought I should never reach the top." 

6 Who sent the box ? what is there in it ? 
" I'll tell your honours in a minute ; 
" Two surly gemmen by their looks, 
u They keep a shop and deal in books ; 
" Heard one of them to t'other say, 
" I'll send these cursed things away ; 
** Something of almanacks he seem'd to tell, 
" To be return'd, that would not sell ; 






IRREGUUAE ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 73 

u Swore terribly 'twas none on't right, 

" Not worth a farthing — not a doit — 

" Was worse and worse instead of better, 

w And a mistake in Dom'ny's* letter; 

" Were more than ever now to seek, 

" For Sunday' d got into the week, 

" And play'd the deuce/j- and 'twou'd be vain 

" To try to get it in again ! 

u Then told me where to come, and said, 

" I for my labour must be paid — 

" The load has almost bent me double — 
" Hope you'll allow me for my trouble/' 

* No, no — not we — come — march away, 
' Let the curst fools that sent you pay.' 

u But if they wont/' says he, — " what then ? 
" Must I bring back the box agen ?" 

' Confound you, no — but for the errand, 
6 Take box and all, let's hear no more on't !' — 

This was enough to raise their ire, 
And fill them full of rage and fire ! 



* Dominical letter. 

t This sort of perplexity was well conceived and described by an 
Irish preacher, who/whilst he was offering bulls to heaven, remarked, 
that the wisdom and goodness of Providence were wonderfully conspi- 
cuous in the arrangement of the weekly days — that any other mode 
would have been a check to industry, and must have produced a great 
deal of confusion, " for," says he (with apparent emotions of grati- 
tude), " if Sunday had fallen on any other day, it would have made a 
broken week !" 

G 3 



St"! 



74: HUMOROUS POEMS* 

Like tigers on the man they flew, 
And gagg'd him, and the culprit drew 
Up to a post, a sort of prop, 
Which serv'd to shore the sinking top ; 
And then, indecently they tear 
His clothes, and leave his body bare ; 
Next making twelve sharp-pointed sticks, 
From the box lid, each wight inflicts 
A wound upon some tender part, 
The loins, the reins, or near the heart ! 
There leave the darts, just like a set 
Of skewers on a scullion's net, 
Or hedge-hog on a mushroom seat : 
Or like the waxen sympathetic doll, 
With pins sharp-pointed, and with needles full, 
Which Hell-contracted witches nightly make 
To harm mankind for inbred malice sake, 
For which they firmly pledge themselves, and sell 
Their soul's reversion to the pit of Hell ! 
The contract does in Satan's court stand good, 
The mortgag'd sign'd with their own vengeful 

blood! 
Each part was now suffus'd with gore, 
Which pious Ernulph curst before ; 
Then a rude outline of the wretch, 
With clumsy graphic art they sketch, 
And on th' exteriors of their sticks, 
Basely the characters they fix 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 75 

Of all the twelve celestial signs, 

Where Sol occasionally dines ; 

Thus cruelly their fame deride^ 

And wound their credit through his side — 
Then when the bloody deed was done, 

Alarm'd, they flew in haste to shun 

Detection of their great demerit, 

Unto another filthy garret, 

Where fashionable bats by daylight sleep, 

And spitfire cats their midnight revels keep- — 
Oh ! may just retribution on them fall 
E'er they depart from this terrestrial ball, 
May faithful recollection bring to view, 
The mangled figure which their fury drew, 
And when their dissolution draweth near, 
Let uncouth visionary forms appear, 
Of shaggy lions with uplifted paws, 
And fangs, and wide extended threatning jaws, 
And bulls, and goats, and rams, and crabs that crawl 
In frightful forms upon the loathsome wall ; 
Whilst puzzling almanacks distract their heads, 
And ghosts transfixt with darts stalk round their 
beds. 
No more my pencil shall be made a hack, 
Nor stain'd my pallet with unshining black, 
Chiaroscuro gives relief they say, 
And vivid colours make the picture gay — 



76 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Aroynt, ye wizards! — then Pll try to paint 
Something that bears the semblance of a saint — 
For where consists, forsooth, the mighty merits 
Of painting subjects only fit for garrets ! 
No pains or cost's required to paint a devil, 
Done in a trice, with black ink and a skivel!* 
And Paddy swears (what an ingenious trick!) 
By Jasus, when he's talking of Old Nick, 
That horns and forked scourge, and cloven foot, 
Distinguish perfectly the prince of soot ; 
Becaise as how — (Oh ! bless the charming craiture) 
He says the devil's tail's his leading faiture. 

Well, since such dismal pictures when they're done 
Like sullen soot-bags shine against the sun, 
The mimic art no longer I'll degrade, 
But find some tints to meliorate the shade ; 
Yet strive to mix them, with impartial hand, 
In such proportion as the works demand. — 
How oft with infinite delight, 

I watch thy rising, when the night, 

Calm and serene, diffusive pours 

O'er Heaven's expanse its radiant stores ; 

View thy bright train in order rise, 

To guard thy progress through the skies, 

See from the blue aetherial gate, 

Thy full majestic orb in state, 

* Skewer. 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 77 

Progressive move in radiance bright, 
To gain the Zenith's giddy height, 
And rapt'rous view the lucid flood 
Illume the path I've often trod ! 

But when thou chang'st thy placid mien 
To looks unworthy of a queen, 
Rising so like a fiery punk, 
I think thou'rt either mad or drunk, 
With vengeance at the sight I burn, 
And all my love is chang'd to scorn — 
Dost sometimes hover over France, 
And catch the fumes of potent Nantz ? 
Then starting wild from Thetis' lap, 
Put on the wrong, thy foul wrath cap? 
I'd rather thou should'st lie in bed, 
Than see that halo round thy head ! 
Did some unwelcome guest appear 
To trouble this our hemisphere ? 
Some blazing comet fierce assail, 
And make thee tremble at his tail? 
Did any of the heav'nly host 
Desert last night and leave his post ? 
Or did some flashy meteor try 
To vapour through the vaulted sky ? 
Coxcomb of base and low degree, 
Rais'd up by his own levity ! 
What if a dog did at thee bay 
Fret not on that account I pray ; 



78 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

The cats, who are so much thy friends, 
Will make ten thousand times amends : 
In thy pale beams their great delight 
Is to perform the frantic rite, 
And (as in compliment to thee) 
On the house-top, that thou may'st see; 
There purr, and frisk, and play their wiles, 
And run like devils o'er the tiles ! 

Hath Herschel's bonfire play'd thee tricks, 
And lighted up thy old man's sticks ? 
Hath Georgium Sidus never been 
At court, to bow to thee his queen ? 
Then let him take, with conscious pride, 
The star of Brunswick for his guide, 
And to acquire immortal fame, 
Join George's manners to his name ! 

Let not such crimes excite thy mind 
To wreak thy vengeance on mankind, 
With causeless anger — yet I dread 
The ring prophetic round thy head ! 
For now th' approaching storm's foreseen, 
Threaten'd in thy portentous mien ! 
Behold the tempest gathers round, 
From the horizon's distant bound; 
The rushing winds the tranquil deep deform, 
An awful prelude to the coming storm ! 
The clouds obscure, and wild commotions rise, 
And high-swoll'n Titan waves assault the skies ; 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 79 

The lurid lightning's death-devoting flash, 
The pealing thunder's harsh ear-rending crash, 
The jarring elements' tremendous roar, 
Appal the ocean and affright the shore ! 
Confusion reigns ! whilst awfully, by turns, 
Darkness envelopes, and the lightning burns, 
Cimmerian night spreads wide its sable sway, 
And corruscations blaze a transient day ! 
Uproar disturbs the slumbers of the deep, 
And murders silence, as Macbeth did sleep ! 

Can'st thou, unmoved, the raging tumult bear 
Of this distracting elemental war ? 
When the bold seaman can no longer brave 
The dreadful spoondrift of the foaming wave f 
Or fear'st thou not, lest should the surges high, 
Vindictive hurl thee from the troubled sky ? 
Or lest confusion's wild destructive reign ? 
Send thee to endless chaos back again ? 

Oh ! let thy mind revolting at the thought, 
Of all the terrors which thy wrath had brought, 
Relent, ere yet the seas resistless sweep, 
Sink the proud bark in the unfathom'd deep ; 
Or sailors whelm beneath the ruthless wave, 
Their trackless and unconsecrated grave ! — 
Alas ! no verdant turf shall point out where 
Their friends may drop the tributary tear, 
Or rise, their dearest relatives to show, 
Where they're sepultur'd in the depths below] — 



80 HUMOftOUS POEMS. 

Retract thy purpose ere it be too late, 

Nor daring tempt thy own ambiguous fate ; 

Lest should Aurora, early-rising maid, 

When she the recent mischief hath survey'd, 

Blushing recoil, and as her duty binds, 

Inform her master what, alas ! she finds ! 

And he offended, justly, at the sight, 

Withdraw from thee his patronage and light ! 

Urge not the censure of the low-bred throng, 

Lest rudeness, brawling in the vulgar tongue, 

Should mortify thy pride and, taunting, say, 

" She's only mistress to the God of day !" 

Make thee the subject of their obscene mirth , 

Say thou'rt of abstruse, and suspicious birth, 

And let thy adversaries understand, 

Thy boasted splendour is but second-hand 

" Who gives the lustre to her shining gems 

" Who finds materials for her flashy beams? 

" The wanton drap'ry which around her plays 

<c Is but the lining of Sol's cast-off rays, 

" Faded, and tum'd, and quickly brought to view, 

" To make the fools on earth believe they're new ; 

u Marrv, come out! what airs the minx assumes! 

" My conscience ! how she shines in borrow'd 

plumes !" 
And rhetoric like this, to gall thy pride, 
And inuendoes wickedly apply 'd, 



} 



IRREGULAR ADDRESS TO THE MOON. 81 

Then oh ! be calm— these wanton freaks give o'er, 

Be tranquil, and compos'd as heretofore, 

And jeering ridicule shall point no more ; 

Bid instantly the waves subside, 

And stop the fiercely raging tide ; 

Bid thunder's loud dismaying sound 

No more through echoing clouds rebound ; 

Restrain the vivid lightning's ire, 

And bid th' insurgent blasts retire ; 

Change the rude billows with tremendous roar 

To gentle riplings on the peaceful shore, 

Whilst zephyrs pass almost unheeded by, 

Unless augmented by a lover's sigh : 

Let all be husht — save w r here the list'ning grove 

Hears Colin pour his artless tale of love, 

Or Philomela's undulating throat, 

Warbles th' enchanting richly varied note, — 

Then come thyself in majesty serene, 
Repent and renovate the happy scene ; 
So shall, enraptur'd at thy smiles benign. 
The radiant stars with added lustre shine, 
And all applauding, to thy int'rest true, 
Their wonted devoirs gladly shall renew ; 
Nor the gay brilliants which thy court adorn, 
If haply they may wink, shall wink in scorn ; 
But all thy faults forget, since thou again, 
Resum'st thy peaceful inoffensive reign. 



H 



82 HUMOROUS POEMS. 



TRAVELLING; 






AN ACCOUNT OF A NEWLY INSTITUTED 
SOCIETY OF ANTIQUARIES. 



Nec aspera terrent. 



How much superior is the man of travel! 

Who, things, obscur'd for ages, can unravel, 

Who sees the wonders of the vasty deep, 

And over trackless deserts takes a sweep ; 

Or wanders many a dreary dang'rous mile, 

To the coy fountains of th' irriguous Nile, 

And, with intrusive boldness, dares assail 

The Abyssinian nuns, who've ta'en the veil ! 

Or climbs and sweats to find out — how bewitching I 

Whether mount Etna is the devil's kitchen, 

And, o'er the dreadful crater downward looking, 

Sees the whole process of infernal cooking; 

Thus, slyly peeping, knows, presumptuous sinner, 

What Beelzebub has order'd for his dinner! 

It may be droll to see them baste the meat, 
At the great fire which makes e'en devils sweat, 
And laughable to view the sooty group, 
With busy ladles stirring hell's pea-soup ; 



TRAVELLING. 83 

But should a fork'd-tail imp his napper spy, 
To the chief cook he'll give a signal sly, 
Who if he thinks such interference hinders, 
Chucks up a shovel full of red hot cinders ; 
Or, order'd by the yeoman of the mouth, 
Tips him a ladlefull of lava broth ! 
Impertinence like this I fear may make 
Innocence suffer for the guilty's sake, 
For tho' himself may possibly escape, 
Less curious folks may fall into a scrape. 

So when some tiptoe scoundrel in a town, 
Mindful of no one's safety but his own, 
At night, his neighbour's secrets to explore, 
Slides out and basely listens at his door, 
Should he, at length, suspect the black design, 
And, sorely vext, to punish it incline. 
An inoffensive stranger, passing by, 
Instead of him, may catch the chamber-lye ! 

But having broken— -(well it is no worse) — 
I'll tie again the thread of my discourse. — 

How much, I say, must such great folks exceed 
The circumscrib'd and ign'rant Cockney breed \ 
Who, nothing knowing, nothing can they tell, 
Of what's beyond the sounding of Bow-bell ; 
E'en a short trip from Dover, will enhance 
The value of a man who visits France* 

* An instance of the wonderful improvement of a travelling ge- 
nius occurred lately on his landing from France, where he had been 

H 2 



84 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

His gum-elastic* soul begins t'expand, 
As soon as drawn from this his native land. 

But what are such exploits, compar'd to those 
Which my true narrative shall soon disclose ! 
How much superior is my hero's claim, 
(Who soars above them all) to traveling fame ! 

Readers, it is a most affronting fashion 
To chew the stupid cud of dubitation ; 
Pin then your faith upon the poet's sleeve, 
And all he sings implicitly believe ! 
Do not, like froward children, whine, and frown, 
And blubber, e'er you take your physic down ; 

but a few days — his conversation was confined to what he had no- 
ticed in his excursion — I saw (says he) such a thing in France — (and 
many extraordinary things I believe may be seen there !) I observed 
so and so, I remarked this and that, and, on my passage back, 
it being a clear day, I had an opportunity of seeing, half seas over, 
two kingdoms, France 9 ' and England, at one time! — A wag, who was 
standing by and overheard the observation, said, " Why, I who 
" have never been out of England, have seen three kingdoms from 
one spot." — " Indeed !" says the traveller, " that's very extraordi- 
" nary ! and pray what kingdoms might they be ?" — " Why," says 
the wag — " the kingdom of England, the kingdom of France, and 
" (looking upwards) the kingdom of Heaven." — " Upon my ho- 
" now," replies the accomplished genius, " I never once thought of 
" the latter," 

* I hope the reader will not conclude from this expression, that I 
am a convert to the doctrine of materialism, — whether the soul is 
material, seated on the pineal gland, and nourished by its pabulum 
the brain, is, in general, I believe, immaterial to a poet. — If the soul is 
really material, and feeds upon this pulpy substance, some souls, 
which have been enlarged by travelling, and of course requiring more 



a France first to be sure ! 



TRAVELLING. 85 

Make no unmanly foolish piece of work, 
But bolt* it, as some country clowns do porL 
First with a marv'llous tale distend your swallow, 
Believe me all the rest will glibly follow. 

Heathen mythologistic writers tell, 
How Orpheus took his harp, and went to hell^ 
And risk'd his precious soul, and risked his life, 
To fetch away Eurydice his wife ;f 
And play'd as well to Proserpine and Plute,*1 
As Florio does upon the German flute, V 

Thus sooth'd their ears, and gain'd his ardent suit. J 
(Yet few, I believe would choose it, or would dare go, 
Lest Beelzebub should order an embargo ;) 
But this his wife Eurydice we know 
Was living, and, some think, was handsome too. 
But what a journey did our traveler take, 
Who went such lengths for a dead woman's sake ! 
Yet 'twas no futile, no ignoble cause, 
No *ticing jack-o-lantern of applause, 

sustenance, must be in a pitiable plight, their scanty allowance being 
more rapidly consumed without the probability of a recruit. 

'* Swallowing without mastication. 

t This species of knight-errantry is, I believe, grown into disuse; 
I do not recollect such another instance of gallantry; if the ladies 
ever go thither, they are surely become less attracting, or the men are 
more dissipated ; some very rude husbands, of the present day, seem 
more inclined to send them to, than to endeavour so rescue them from, 
the infernal regions. 

Had I, says Benedick, just such another, 
I'd give the devil one, to fetch the other. 
H 3 



86 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

Seduc'd our traveling hero far from home, 
Nor whistling childish errand made him roam, 
'Twas to make converts of a sceptic crew, 
To prove th' historic page of Moses true, 
And view an antique garment, and explore 
What sort of dress our great-great-grandames wore ; 
By which, decisively, it might be known, 
Whether that dress was better than our own. 
They say a living woman is a riddle, 
All o'er, from top to toe, both sides, and middle ; 
Then a dead woman must — I swear by Phoebus ! 
Be a conundrum, or at least a rebus; 
Our lady-rebus, dead some thousand years 
(As by authentic records it appears), 
Tho', when alive, was nought but mould'ring clay, 
Remains unburied till this very day ; 
Has neither flesh, nor blood, nor bones, nor hide, 
Nor has had since the moment that she died ; 
She tempted, contumaciously, her fate, 
And paid for peeping at the dearest rate ; 
In short, 'twas she who lost her precious life, 
Turn'd into pillar'd salt— Lot's foolish wife ! 
I'll call her, if you please, why should I not ? 

Sometimes Lot's wife, and sometimes mistress Lot. 
'Tis needless, seriatim, to recount 

His dangers, or to give the gross amount ; 

Suffice it, tender readers, then to say 

He had his average upon the way, 



TRAVELLING. 87 

Until he came upon the blissful spot, 
Where stood the effigy of mistress Lot. 

In varied numbers how can I display, 
Or tell th' events of that important day, 
Or, by impressive language most sublime, 
With each new gesture give a novel rhyme. 

First, he with gazing optics, wide asunder, 
With admiration, view'd the salted wonder ; 
He look'd at her, she seem'd to look at him, 
As tho' they'd been detected in con. crim.: 
And thus this precious pair of statues stood, 
As form'd of stone the one, the other, wood. 
But soon amazement took a lively turn, 
For, by his own relation, we may learn, 
That he burst forth, and play'd the very antic, 
In leapings and in skippings most gigantic, 
With strange gesticulations danced round, 
And scarcely seem'd to touch the magic ground ; 
Then, frisking like a lamb or merry grig, 
Presto, he danceth a fandango jig ; 
And throws about his legs and scoggan* wings, 
Like paper scaramouches jerk'd by strings. 
No pitchy savage ever did excel, 
Or shewM fantastic twistings half so well, 
When round the burning flames his limbs he throws, 
Rejoicing at the tortures of his foes ! 

* Scarecrow. 



88 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

E'en the Tarantulas infecting bite, 
Such outre postures never did excite: 
What a delicious treat to see him shine, 
In writhings, most extravagantly fine ! 
'Till, with exertions almost tir'd to death, 
He rests awhile to gain a little breath ; 
Then, in his native land's acclaiming way, 
Holloa's aloud — Huzza I Huzza ! Huzza ! 
And in the genuine old English style, 
Whirls up his beaver, seemingly, a mile ; 
But reader — understand I speak by guess, 
As lawyers do of acres, more or less; 
Then, casting his delighted eyes around. 
He saw his hat descending to the ground, 
And, running, snatcht it up from where it lay, 
Flourish'd his cane, and cap'ring went away ! 

Now Bedlam, in the name of madness tell/ 
Does any one within your confines dwell, 
Who can exhibit ecstasy so well ! 

At length return 'd ; his uncles, nephews, cousins, 
Neighbours, and friends, and friends' friends, by whole 

dozens, 
On expectation's rapid pinions come, 
With how d'ye do, sir ? sir, you\e welcome home ! 
And with wide frog-mouth'd admiration wait, 
To swallow ev'ry thing he might relate, 
For all this strange and heterogeneous mass, 
Thro* the main hatchway, to the hold must pass, 



$ tell,} 



TRAVELLING. 89 

When thus was laden, almost ev'ry hulk, 

With true, tho' marv'llous hist'ries, stow'd in bulk, 

Thou can'st not wonder, reader, if I tell ye. 

This salmagundy in their squeamish belly, 

With those agreed not, who, like childish dunce, 

Swallow'd the gilded alphabet at once ; 

Some tender stomachs, which could not contain 

So large a meal, retum'd it back again ; 

And some rejected part, some part kept quiet, 

Dreading the dangers of intestine riot* 

To drop the simile— This grand affair 

Had struck the tympanum of public ear, 

And doubtful murmurs thro' the nation ran, 

Yet was there no* suspicion — but the man 

Had been in foreign countries and believ'd 

He'd something like it seen, but was deceived— - 

That such mistakes had happened heretofore, 

" "Twas sculptur'd marble, and 'twas nothing more." 

This coming to his disappointed ears, 

Alarm'd his wav'ring mind, and rous'd his fears, 

And tended much suspicions to awaken, 

Lest he might possibly have been mistaken ; 

So to preclude all chance of future doubt, 

To the same place he takes a second route, 

And there arrived, with sober cautious tread, 

Surveys her o'er again, from toe to head, 

Views her all round, and makes a longer halt, 

Kisses her lilied lips, and found them salt, 



9© HUMOROUS POEMS. 

And notic'd as he did behold her 

Her head was turned o'er her shoulder. 

Seeing's believing, coxcombs say forsooth, 
Tasting and feeling sure must be the truth ; 
Suspicion did not ask a farther test, 
And convert sceptics cried — Probatum est! 
Thus did truth's sun dart down his fervid Ray, 
And burn the fog of doubtfulness away. 

Ne'er since the days of heretofore, 
When Adam fell, to rise no more, 
Was curiosity on fire, 
With such a burning strong desire, 
To be eye-witness to the matter, 
But how could ev*ry one get at her ! 

At length some friends of wisdom's train, 
Persuaded him to go again, 
Suggesting the exalted thought, 
If mistress Lot could here be brought, 
'Twould be a permanent foundation, 
For Britain's happy exultation ; 
Would gratify each eager friend, 
And make this realm all realms transcend ; 
Be, as it were, the corner-stone 
To found an edifice upon, 
A firm and venerable pile 
Of ancient architect'ral style, 



TRAVELLING. 91 

For mistress Lot, a mausoleum, 
For # ante dillies, a ^museum ; 

* Antediluvian is the intended name of the society. 

t The society have it in contemplation to detach, annually, from 
the main body, parties of the most enterprising members to go on 
discoveries, some for curiosity, some on speculation, with a view to 
the promotion of useful knowledge ; and others for profit, and to in- 
crease the finances of the society, and thereby enable them the better 
to prosecute their future designs. — For the present year the society 
has one of each of these objects in view — The first is, 
CURIOUS, 

And is meant to ascertain whether the North Pole was the main 
or fore-mast of Noah's Ark. — The second, 

SPECULATIVE, 

As it is well known that the ark rested on mount Ara-rat, a in Ar- 
menia, and that when the waters of the flood subsided, it then be- 
coming of no use as a nautical building, it was broken up and con- 
verted into pig-sties, many of which remaining till this very day, 
are proofs of the durability of the wood. — The intention of this em- 
bassy is to discover of what species of timber the ark was built, that 
large quantities of it may be immediately planted, so as to be in 
growth against the expected naturalization of the Jews, when the 
increased consumption of swine's flesh will of course occasion an 
increased demand for these elegant edifices. — The third, 
ADVANTAGEOUS, 

A vessel for this purpose is to sail to the Red Sea, and to freight 
back with a cargo of its waters, by which the society will be enabled 
to undersell the stationers in the article of red ink. 



* Information to Etymologists, — The mount was called Ara- 
rat, from the following circumstance, which shews, at the same time, 
that rat is a word of high antiquity. — (According to our English ety- 
mologists the word rat is the same in many languages, except in the 
terminations.) — When the ark first rested upon the mount, the rats 
or as they are sometimes called, rots (rot them say I) having no pro- 
vision made for them by Noah, got on shore first, and propagating 
their species there with great celerity, the mount was called, from that 



92 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

But where no relique should have place 
So low as those of Rome or Greece; 
Thus ante-dils shall modern tiques* exceed, 
Be monstrous giants to the pigmy breed ; 
Feel their superior worth, as well they may, 
Like gentle crafts upon St. Crispin's day. — 
Then, O, ye worshippers of heathen nails, 
Pieces of iron hoops, and ears of pails, 
And match-lock guns, that men the while 
They were discharging, ran a mile, 
And Roman dishes, made at Delf,+ 
To ornament an old vrouw's shelf; 
Give over the fallacious scheme, 
TTis but at best a waking dream ; 
Do not your slender judgments rest 
On any vague precarious test ; 
Truth may not come, though you expect her, 
In the loose habit of conjecture ; 
For though antiquities you seek, 
Nails may corrode within a week, 
And rust and aquafortis may combine 
To turn new farthings into ancient coin ; 

circumstance, Ara Rat, or rats 1 altar. — Note, the word ara signifies 
mount or altar.— At a future period, the author may possibly oblige 
etymologists with some authentic and valuable communications of 
this sort, having a stock of raw materials, which he intends to manu- 
facture at his leisure. 

* Abbreviation of antique. 

t Delft, a city in Holland, famous for its manufactory of glazed 
earthenware. 



TRAVELLING. 93 

Whilst imposition,* with her magic tricks, 

Changes Dutch clinkers into Roman bricks. 
Then take advice, ambitious frogs, 

Confine yourselves to miry bogs, 

Make prudently a quick retreat 

Unto your native country seat, 

Fit residence for your vain race, 

Retire, I say, to tadpole place ; 
Aspire not to the mountain brow, 

Lest a majestic ox or cow, 

Should o'er thy puny carcase stride, 

And spurn thee down its sloping side ; 

TV unequal contest were a sin, 

Then cry, enough — and give it in. 
Yet neither should it be deny'd 
To singular antiquarian pride, 
That modern tiques applause may gain 3 
And, not a little, entertain. 

Thus for example, should we meet 
A group of mortals in the street, 
And some, to make themselves appear 
Conspicuous, fall into the rear, 
And backwards, 'sted of forwards, walk, 
And lose themselves in mystic talk, 

* The author is serious when he declares he has been informed 
and believes, that there are persons in Italy who employ themselves 
in copying ancient pictures, and, after giving them by art the ap- 
pearance of antiquity, impose them on the credulous as original*. 

I 



94 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

We view the sight with great surprise, 

And wonder how they came so wise ! 

But then they must not be too bold, 

And try to emulate the old, 

For rotten wood will give i' th' dark, 

The spunkey semblance of a spark ; 

But if a candle cometh near, 

The counterfeit must disappear ; 

It is no match, run backwards when they will, 

Betwixt a modern tique and ante-dil — 

But see ! his eminence appears, 
Dispelling all our friendly fears, 
And bearing on his bending back, 
A full and proudly swelling sack, 
In which (sufficient for his strength) he'd got 
The lower moiety of Mistress Lot ! 

Now noisy triumph stimulates the lungs, 

And men, and even boys, let loose their tongues, 

Each shouting as he lifts his beaver, 

Huzza! Huzza! Lot's wife for ever! 
Fatigu'd, and with the freight opprest, 

He dedicates some days to rest, 

And then sagaciously began, 

As wisdom dictated, the plan; 

Invites the candidates to meet 

At such a house in such a street ; 

Thither, exulting, they repair, 

And vote the hero in the chair. 



TRAVELLING. 95 

And now th' elect, of course, must both 
Profess their faith, and take an oath. 
(Oaths there must be — Aet who will scout 'em, 
What are societies without 'em ?) 

The chair with wisdom's fav'rite grac'd, 
And relic on the table plac'd, 
The candidates, all standing round. 
And wrapt in silence most profound ; 
The form proceeds — first he, then they 
As follows, must alternate say, 
" Are you all ready ?" ' Aye, aye, aye.' 

Profession of Faith. 
" Do you believe that this is Mistress Lot ?" 
e We do — so much of her as you have got/ 

" Then lay your hands on her posterior parts/' 
' That we will do, with all our souls and hearts.' 

Oath. 

u You must to this society be true, 

" And ancient things prefer to what are new/' 

' We do ! we do ! we do ! we do !' — 

" And with respect upon such relics look,. 

*" Are you content V 7 — < We are* — then kiss the 

BOOK. 



12 



96 HUMOROUS TOEMS. 



DUTCH ACADEMICAL BEAR-DANCING. 

ADDRESSED TO 

THE SALTANTI OF EUROPE. 

When dogs or monkeys learn to dance, 
It is in Italy or France ; 
But the slow, dull, phlegmatic bear 
Is tutor'd in a northern air ; 
And grave mynheers, will, I aver, 
Whilst Holland is undrown'd, prefer 
The motions of a bear that's grown, 
As most congenial to their own. 
In days of yore, or niemendal 
Means nothing more than nought at all. 
The hogen mogen Dutch estates 
(For so Mynheer Van Blank relates). 
A placart made, with one accord, 
GfPring ten tulip roots* reward, 
For a sure mode of teaching bears 
To dance, in less than seven years : 
But mark the diff'rence great, for now 
Van Triple Breeches well knows how 
A docile bear may learn with ease 
To dance in less than seven days ; 

* Tulip roots were formerly of almost inestimable value in Hol- 
land, but by a kind of sumptuary law, the highest price for a tulip 
root was restricted to the amount of about 500/. sterling. 



DUTCH BEAR-DANCING. 97 

And lately has obtain'd a pension 
For this most excellent invention ! 

If, gentle reader ! you repine, 
And call too dear this book of mine, 
Swearing by Jove there's nothing in't, 
Bat the good paper and the print, 
That we may yet continue friends, 
I'll make your honour great amends, 
By whisp'ring softly in your ear 
The high-priz'd secret* of mynheer. 
To Sandwich town if thou shouldst stray 
(A place improving every day) ? 
Thou mayst be shewn, or thine's the fault, 
The process us'd in making malt, 
And see, without a penny cost. 
The barley on the heated oast ; 
Friend Van has built, and he's no fool, 
On a like plan, his dancing school ; 
Where, when the pupil's fasten'd in, 
The lessons will, of course, begin ; 
For the hot plates unwelcome greet 
The growling scholar's scorching feet, 

* This secret is contained in a manuscript written by the above 
gentleman in elegant Low Dutch, and will be published by authority, 
as soon as it has obtained the privilege of the States of Holland and 
West Frieseland, with whom, I apprehend, it is now ad referendum — 
I have been favoured with a sight of this manuscript, as an inter- 
change for a notable discovery of my own, and which will certainly 
be published in England as soon as that of Mynheer Van Triple 
Breeches is in Holland. 

i 3 



/ 



98 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

And this induces him to rear 
His clumsy daddies in the air ; 
Since raised on his hinder feet, 
He's fairly rid of half the heat ; 
It cannot be or less or more, 
You see, 'tis. just two points mfour. 

What changes are produc'd by heat!* 
It makes an ague fit retreat, 

* Heat certainly promotes the inclination to dance. The fever 
occasioned by the bite of the tarantula, with the assistance of a jig- 
tune, immediately throws the patient into a fandango. — A friend of 
mine seems to have been perfectly acquainted with the nature of 
this property ; for when a dancing master was complaining of the 
dulness of his scholars, and of the difficulty he experienced in mak- 
ing them learn, he very seriously advised him to set fire to his aca- 
demy, assuring him that it would infallibly make them take to tlieir 
heels. Severity is certainly the greatest principle used in teaching 
animals to perform extraordinary feats. Heat in dancing is indis- 
pensably necessary. — The English, justly celebrated for their inge- 
nuity in improving upon foreign inventions (witness, among others, 
the addition of the shirt to the French ruffle), have, with a laudable 
perseverance in this plan, improved the science of brute-dancing. — I 
apprehend that some intimation of the Dutch method of teaching 
bears has lately been obtained, for a friend of mine informs me, that 
walking through a bye-lane in London, his attention was drawn to a 
paper stuck in the window of a dirty looking pie-house, on which was 
the following curious inscription, viz. " Pigs inserted here." — The 
oddity of the thing set his curiosity on tiptoe, and, determined to 
gratify it, he tapped at the door; a shabby woman appearing, he 
begged the favour of her to explain the notice to him. — At first she 
seemed unwilling to communicate any thing, but on his purchasing a 
mutton pie, and throwing down a shilling for it, at the same time 
assuring her, that he would not disclose any thing which might ope- 
rate to her disadvantage, she informed him that she received pigs to 



DUTCH BEAR-DANCING. 99 

It melts with ease the solid lead, 
And biped makes of quadruped ; 
Professors, technically all, 
This posturejirst position call. 

Now as our bruin farther can 
Pursue the heat-avoiding plan, 
He on the floor, in this hot clime, 
Keeps down but one foot at a time, 
Whips up each hinder foot in turn, 
And t'other only leaves to burn ; 
But as he was not made to fly, 
Must, certesy either dance or die, 
And as his pads alternate play, 
Rolls like a ship in Biscay-bay. 
At length, when found as true to rock 
As does the pend'lum of a clock, 
The tutor takes his sniv'ling crowd, 
Slurs in slow time, and very loud, 



be instructed in dancing ; that the word inserted was recommended 
by a gentleman, and the meaning well understood by the trade \ that 
for the purpose of training them (when the pies were drawn) a num- 
ber, sometimes a whole race, were inserted (that is, put into the oven) 
together, and being prevented from escaping by an iron grate, and a 
boy with a hurdy-gurdy grinding music to them, they soon became 
erect, and began to dance a sort of irregular cotillon, which has a 
pretty effect ; and is attended with this peculiar advantage, that in 
case any of them die in the process, they are immediately gutted, 
shaved, spitted, and inserted again (with a close oven lid) and when 
well baked, sent to a cook's shop, and sold for the benefit of the 
owners, as overdone roast pigs, at reduced prices. 

LofC. 



100 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

And by strict observation soon 
Finds for the time a proper tune, # 
And scrapes away until the bear 
Roars, and his muzzle tries to tear ; 
This ev'ry day's repeated o'er, 
Nor has he time to lick a sore. 

Now when the ardent part is done, 
He's let out with his muzzle on, 
And taken to a cooler place. 
To solidize his sweated grease ; 
Which is apply'd, and always will 
At Amsterdam, the Hague, or Brill, 
To reproduce, where it is bare, 
The graceful covering of hair ; 
And even in th ? assembly room, 
Is much in vogue as a perfume ! 

Some time elaps'd, it is a rule 
To try the pupil out of school, 
By which the tutor may discern, 
How 7 soon 'tis likely he may learn, 
For even there he hoists his feet, 
Thinking the fiddle makes the heat ; 
Thus in few lessons you will find 
That he for dancing was design'd, 

* The hewers of fiddles in Holland have lately very much im- 
proved these instruments. — They put them into warm feather-beds, 
which producing a genial and equable heat, gives them a mellowness 
of tone of which I have often been an extatic admirer. — There is 
no comparison between these and Cremonas. 



DUTCH BEAR-JDANCING. 101 

And, when he's perfect in this part, 
And danceth, though he feels no smart, 
And waddles when he hears a fiddle 
As children do who want to piddle, 
He then exhibits out of doors* 
Among th' admiring crowd of boors, 
And, furnish'd with a rugged staff, 
To bear him up, and make them laugh, 
He in a rotatory way 
Can dance twelve hours in a day, 
And thus th' itinerant ragged mummers 
Make a good article of commerce. 

A child that's burnt will dread the flame ; 
Instinct in brutes is just the same : 
E'en if our bear is quite at rest, 
'Tis so indelibly imprest, 
That should he at a future time, 
By chance regain his native clime, 
And daring men should try t'explore 
The wonders of a frozen shore, 
I'd risk my great estate, 1 swear, 
In fam'd Utopia, or elsewhere. 
Nay more than that, I'd stake my life, 
All my nine children, and my wife, 



* When ursus major has finished his academical education, and is 
ready to make his debut in public, he is able to dance with as much 
agility and gracefulness as any Burgomaster in Amsterdam, or any 
other dam in Holland. 



102 HUMOROUS POEMS. 

If any one a fiddle took, 
And slowly play'd the tune Malbrook, 
Were it on Greenland's gelid snow 
He'd feel his feet begin to glow, 
And, rousing from his frigid trance, 
Get up, and roll a solemn dance. 



fin-is. 



Printed by J. F. Dove, St. John's Square. 



FEB 15 1902 



Jy^JZIX- 



CT ~Q 1941 



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